Why Did I Stay in an Abusive Relationship? Unpacking Shame with a Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Trauma Therapist
Whether you are:
A person who recognizes they are in an abusive relationship,
A person who believes they may be in an abusive relationship but is unsure,
A person who has been told they are in an abusive relationship but is unsure or does not believe it,
A friend, family member, or loved one of someone who is in an abusive relationship, or
A person in any stage of healing from an abusive relationship,
This article is for you.
Throughout the summer, the Denver trauma therapists at CZ Therapy Group will release a series of blogs that center relational abuse: recognizing it, the factors that keep us within abusive relationships, and how we can form healthy relationships following abuse. Explore the other blogs in our abusoive relationship series:
This article features reasons we remain in abusive relationships, and we wanted to begin here because disentangling shame from these reasons is one of the most common roadblocks in leaving abusive relationships as well as healing from them.
Abuse and its Intersections with Shame
Shame is an emotion or thought that originates within ourselves or stems from the words or actions of others that tells us in some way You are wrong. It makes us feel smaller, lesser, and more doubtful of our decision-making capabilities and how others perceive us. Shame typically manifests itself through criticism, especially in the forms of “I should have/You should have…” or “If you had…”.
With abusive relationships, we often hear from others first- especially if we are just identifying and processing ourselves we are in an abusive situation- “Why don’t you leave?”
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, you may feel a tug between defensiveness for yourself and your partner (They treated me well when…) as well as shame (Why don’t I leave?). In later stages of healing after one has exited an abusive relationship, this question can become self-directed: Why didn’t I just leave? What was going through my head that made me stay? I should have known better. The signs were all there, everyone told me. I hurt myself, my kids….
Shame doesn’t pause and allow us to remember that abusive relationships are a form of living, breathing trauma: a state of flight or flight that waxes and wanes with time but overall, erodes our sense of wellbeing, self-worth and emotional reserves. A crucial step in trauma therapy for healing after abusive relationships is grabbing shame by its shoulders and reframing the narrative about why we stayed.
Reasons Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships
Shame from ourselves or others may tell us we stayed in abusive relationships because we are/were “crazy”, “stupid”, “spineless”, “blind” or “cowardly”. At CZ Therapy Group, our approach to trauma therapy in Denver, CO rejects all of those perspectives, and instead conceptualizes why we stay/stayed in two primary categories:
Abusive relationships are all we have ever known so we may not be able to recognize what is “normal” and what constitutes relational abuse.
It is protective to stay.
Below are more specific reasons why we stay in abusive relationships that validate remaining within the relationship as protective or what is/was most adaptive for us at the time:
Children:
Western society champions the image of the two parent, nuclear family household, and we are told in various ways that children benefit from a two-parent household. In actuality, the most beneficial family structure is a home in which NO violence is present, even if that means a one-parent household.
Finances:
Abusers control the flow of money in a household to create isolation. If economic resources are cut off, we do not feel that we are capable of creating a different life if we can and do leave.
Familial Pressure: Family members cannot see abusive dynamics that occur behind closed doors. For the sake of the children, family image, or well-intentioned hopes for your wellbeing, they may encourage reconciliation or staying with your abuser.
Group Pressure:
Community members with strong values about how family life should operate (i.e. pastors, school officials, etc) prescribe a vision about marriage or commitment to relationships that often does not entail recognition of domestic violence.
Self-Esteem:
Through name-calling, put downs, or verbal abuse, abusers warp our vision of ourselves as competent, desirable, and worthy individuals who can make their own decisions and experience happiness without them.
Lack of Experience/Awareness:
Our childhood experiences may have painted a picture of abusive dynamics as normal, and our schools and medical institutions do not often explain to us how to recognize abuse. We may tell ourselves what we are experiencing is typical, or not that bad.
Hope:
Following an abusive episode, there is often a “honeymoon” phase where the abuser is apologetic, accommodating, and a glimpse of the person we fell in love with or a version of our partner that promises to be better. Because of this hope for newness, we stay.
Fear of being “selfish”:
Women are socialized since childhood to be selfless and endure in the face of trouble for partners and children. We may feel guilty or like we have “failed” if we recognize we need help or this is not a supportive relationship.
Lack of Resources:
Unsure of what organizations or individuals could help us financially, logistically, or emotionally if we do decide to leave, we remain inside abusive relationships because we are at least familiar with the current structure.
There are many other individualized reasons why individuals remain in abusive relationships, and it often takes time, patience, and compassion to be able to distinguish them from the shame we receive from ourselves or external sources. Trauma therapy in Denver, CO is a space to not only help establish immediate safety and access to resources, but to understand underlying factors in our life story- identities, family system, spiritual beliefs, core values, and more- that impacted our entry into an abusive relationship and our exit from one.
Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO. for Survivors of Abusive Relationships
If you resonated with this blog or other blogs in this series and are ready to seek support, reach out to learn more about Denver trauma therapy at CZ Therapy Group. Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin your unique healing journey.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR therapy in Denver, CO, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver, CO and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.