Forming Healthy Relationships After Abuse
By Chadley Zobolas, LCSW, Denver trauma therapist
Welcome to part one of our four-part blog series on abusive relationships and the trauma that often stems from them. We hope this blog feels supportive and instills hope that healing after abuse is possible, and invite you to follow along with the rest of the series:
Abusive Relationships Have a Large Impact on Our Lives
Abusive relationships affect every area of life. Whether the abuse is financial, physical, sexual, or emotional/mental, the effects are far reaching and can significantly influence us as we move forward. One of the scariest things that survivors of abusive relationships face is a new relationship.
Even with the help of trauma therapy in Denver, CO., starting a new relationship can be daunting. From engrained toxic relationship patterns, stuck shame cycles, and lingering insecurities, past abusive relationships can heavily influence our experience in new relationships - even healthy, safe ones.
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship you might think you can never have a healthy one. Good news — as relationship trauma specialists, we know that’s simply not the case! It is absolutely possible to build a new, healthy relationship after leaving an abusive one. Let’s explore some preliminary steps and avenues for curiosity that you can journey down.
How Abuse Affects Future Relationships
The first thing to give space to in trauma therapy after leaving an abusive situation is your safety. Having a safety plan is essential to your overall wellbeing, whether it attunes to your physical safety needs or emotional. Once you have that planned out, ideally with the support of a therapist who specializes in relational trauma, it’s time to explore the impact the relationship had on you - including the resilience and adaptive coping you developed as a result - and to delve into what’s needed for healing to take place.
Our bodies keep the score.
In an abusive relationship, our bodies learn to be on the lookout for minute facial expressions, changes in tone of voice, body language, and tension as a protective measure. We might not be able to avoid the abuse, but we can prepare for it. At least, that’s what our brains tell us, and that’s natural and adaptive. Afterall, we are the descendants of the anxious ones, our ancestors survived by correctly monitoring the threats in their environment. But once we’re out of an abusive situation, our nervous systems don’t relax automatically, and that can make it difficult to sink into safety and connection in future healthy relationships. Therapy helps retrain our brains once we are safe. So do new, safe relationships once we’re able to be fully present in them. This process takes place through trauma therapy, and most effectively, through somatic trauma therapy and/or EMDR therapy in Denver, CO.
Why do i still feel so stuck in my old ways?
This is a question so many survivors of abusive relationships ask. Please know that you’re not alone. The constant vigilance that helped us survive a really bad situation, as crucial and adaptive and strong as it once was, can also serve as a barrier in a positive situation. Once we find a safe, healthy partner or friend, our brain and body - which are still working in overdrive to keep us safe - can often misinterpret the slight changes to their facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and tension in the air as threats. We might even know we’re safe with this new person, but our nervous systems still might be stuck in trauma time, inhibiting our ability to actually feel safe intrinsically and come out of our fight or flight response.
When what we know is in conflict with what we feel, it can be confusing, overwhelming, and make the process of building new relationships feel incredibly difficult.
Types of Trauma Therapy for Survivors of Abuse
In general, somatic trauma therapy is where it’s at when we’re talking about healing from trauma. Somatic (otherwise termed as body-based) therapy focuses on the mind-body connection and helps you address the physical and emotional impacts of the trauma you've experienced. Below, we will walk through three types of somatic therapy modalities that are often used in trauma therapy for abusive relationships: Somatic Experiencing therapy, EMDR therapy, and Inner Child Therapy.
Somatic Trauma Therapy
This modality is all about reconnecting with your body and releasing the trapped energy from the traumatic experiences. It helps you tune into your body's sensations, allowing you to slowly work through the trauma in a safe and controlled way. The somatic trauma therapist will guide you through exercises and gentle bodily exploration that promote self-awareness and regulation of your nervous system responses. It's a gradual process that empowers you to regain control over your body and your emotions.
EMDR Therapy
EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, focuses on processing and desensitizing the distressing memories related to the abusive relationship. During the sessions, you'll recall specific traumatic events while engaging in bilateral stimulation, like following the therapist's finger movements or holding small buzzing devices that alternate from left to right. This process helps your brain rewire the stored traumatic memories, reducing their emotional intensity and allowing you to heal from the root of your trauma as opposed to merely addressing the symptoms of it.
Inner Child Therapy
This modality addresses the emotional wounds from your past, particularly related to childhood attachment experiences that lay the groundwork for your relationships as an adult. The therapist creates a safe space where you can connect with your inner child, who represents the parts of you that have unmet needs and wounds from the past that haven’t experienced the healing you deserve. By nurturing and meeting the needs of your inner child now, you can create new neural pathways in your brain that are grounded in healthy, secure attachment, enabling you to move forward in positive relationships in the future. This therapy empowers you to offer self-compassion, love, and support to the younger version of yourself, leading to profound healing and personal growth.
These therapy modalities are just a few examples of the techniques used in somatic trauma therapy for survivors of abuse. Each person's journey is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The important thing is to find a therapist who understands trauma and is trained in various modalities of somatic trauma therapy.
Some Logistics for Building Healthy Relationships - Key Components from a Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
So, how do we build a healthy relationship amidst our nervous system’s protective responses? While trauma therapy is truly the key to re-wiring your nervous system and helping your body move out of fight or flight mode, there’s also a lot you can get curious about and implement on your own. Here are a few key components:
Look for Green Flags
It is possible to keep an eye out for red flags while also looking for green flags. Red flags tell us when to get out while green flags tell us to stay. So, what are some green flags in relationships? Is it a green flag if they buy us our favorite things and hold the door for us? Maybe, but the green flags we’re looking for are deeper than that.
Here are some green flags to look for:
They respect your Yes and No
If you’ve been in an unsafe relationship, it’s likely that you’ve had your “yes” and “no” disregarded. In a healthy relationship, the important yeses and nos are respected, and not just big things like saying no to sex, little things like whether you want onions on your salad. How a partner responds to our boundaries is a very important sign of compatibility and safety.
Their actions match their words…most of the time.
One of the keys with this one is consistency and flexibility. No one’s actions will match their words all day every day. After all, people get tired and snippy. But, if a new partner is consistently doing what they say they will do, that’s a green flag.
Their reaction is in proportion to the situation.
A person’s reaction to things big and small can tell you a lot about them. For instance, if your new friend does get tired and snippy do they start insulting you or do they say something relatively benign in a harsh tone of voice? When a person’s reaction to a small situation, like spilling food or drink, is natural and proportionate, that’s a good sign that they have good emotional regulation.
They apologize sincerely and simply.
In abusive relationships, partners often make elaborate and emotional apologies, usually not in proportion to the seriousness of the situation. In healthy relationships apologies can be simple and sincere, and that can be a green flag. It takes a lot for someone to say “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”
They accept that you are an autonomous individual and trust you.
Is there anything less attractive than jealousy? Contrary to every reality show, jealousy is not a sign of a healthy, trusting relationship. While everyone gets bitten by the green eyed monster now and then, being trusted is the best feeling in the world. When a partner can let you know they love you and encourage you to spend time with your friends, that’s a green flag.
These are just some of the green flags to look for in a new relationship. For more, straight from the mouths of survivors, read this article.
Show Care and Compassion for Yourself + Rebuild Trust in Your Intuition
Being in an abusive relationship causes trauma that doesn’t simply disappear once you leave that relationship. The truth is that leaving an abusive relationship causes trauma, too, and that takes time to recover from. It isn’t fair. At all. And you get to feel any and all emotions around this reality. Going to therapy to soothe our nervous systems, increase awareness and build trust in our own instincts is hard. But it’s also worth it.
So, you’re ready to start dating again… recommendations from a Denver Trauma Therapist on ways to dip your toes in.
If you’re healing from an abusive or controlling relationship and want to step back into dating, the support of a trauma professional can be super helpful. This can take place in the form of trauma therapy in Denver, CO, if you’re local, or any other form of trauma support in your area. Working with a trauma and relationship therapist who is trained in helping people recover from intimate partner abuse could help you process the experience, ultimately allowing you to move forward in new, healthy relationships in the future.
Additionally, we can’t dismiss the importance of a supportive community. A safe and affirming group of family and friends can help you learn to trust others again, which is a huge part of relational healing. These two supports will be beneficial for a long time and can hopefully celebrate your new healthy connections with you!
Aside from community and therapeutic support, here are a few other recommendations to consider.
1) Get curious about your experience spending time alone. Is it enjoyable and reconnecting? DOes it bring up pain, loneliness, shame?
When we’re driven by a constant need to be with other people it is easier to drown out our inner voice. This means we could be disconnected from our own emotions, instincts, and better judgment. Spending time alone moving your body, painting, reading, cooking, or whatever you enjoy, will ultimately increase the health and wellness of your relationship to yourself and to others. Prioritizing small acts of self-care throughout the day can help build appreciation for spending time alone.
** Note: this recommendation should not be interpreted as needing to “love yourself before you can love other people” or any similar rendition of this notion. As trauma and relationship therapists, we hold the firm belief that healing takes place within relationships, not as a precursor to relationships.
2) notice and identify any potential triggers that come up as a result of coercive, controlling, or abusive dynamics in your past relationship.
Knowledge is power, and the power of knowing your triggers is immense. Once you start dating again, you will be triggered, and noticing how/when/where those triggers show up and how they make you feel can provide a really solid foundation for the trauma processing that happens in therapy. Tracking yourself in this way can also help you let your partner in on what you’re experiencing so you don’t have to hold it alone and they don’t have to be left in the dark. Healing through new, safe relationships is a key part of processing relational trauma.
3. Communicate.
Communication is so essential to a healthy relationship. Being open and honest with a safe person is healing in and of itself, but open communication also means less guessing. So many abusive relationships are about monitoring signs and guessing correctly. In these instances, the whole relationship can feel like a moving target. In healthy relationships, open communication means a lot less guessing and a lot more security.
4. Build trust in small ways.
Trust is a word that comes up again and again in new relationships. Trust is a defining principle of healthy relationships, and it goes both ways. Learning to trust again in small ways will help build healthy partnerships down the line. If you’re able to trust that your new partner won’t react the same way the old one did, and your new partner trusts you, that balance helps keep the relationship healthy.
5. Define what you want in a relationship.
It is really important to know what you do and don’t want in a relationship. Defining this doesn’t mean a laundry list of traits in your future partner, though some green flags should be on there. It means prioritizing the kind of relationship you want. This step means asking yourself questions about what you want out of life and relationships. Discovering your own desires and boundaries when it comes to relationships can be very helpful when you start dating.
Heal From Your Past Abusive Relationship - Begin Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
Our team of Denver trauma therapists and couples counselors at CZTG specialize in supporting clients through relationship abuse and trauma. We’d love to connect with you if this blog resonates and you’re curious about how our practice might be able to support you. Please reach out for a free consult call with a Denver trauma therapist and relationship trauma specialist on our team!
Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin healing and growth in weekly trauma therapy for relationship abuse.
