Am I in an Abusive Relationship? Recognizing Signs of Abuse with a Denver Trauma Therapist
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
The CZTG team’s latest blog centralized why we stay in abusive relationships. We wanted to begin there to validate those that recognize they are within an abusive relationship yet feel shame for it, and for those that may sense something is “off”, but feel a call to remain. This blog features common themes felt, seen and heard within abusive relationships that often come to light during our work providing trauma therapy in Denver, CO. for survivors of relationship abuse. We hope it offers affirmation to those who wonder, “Are these parts of my relationship really normal or okay?”, as well as general education for those of us in non-abusive relationships- historically speaking, our leaders, institutions, and families do not know and/or have not taught us to look for these things either! If each of us can identify these relational red flags more readily, we are more likely to advocate for needs for safety, acceptance, and validation in our own relationships, our loved one’s relationships, and the relationships of peers, mentors, and acquaintances.
Introducing “Normative Blindness”
This point was discussed in part two of our abusive relationships series, but feels necessary to expand upon again here. Normative Blindness refers to our inability to consider our partner’s behavior or our current options as anything but acceptable because the abuse has been normalized for so long. This could be because:
Our partner tells us this is how all relationships are and we are “overreacting”, “selfish”, “ungrateful” for thinking otherwise.
The abuse has continued for so long we have forgotten what the relationship looked like when it was healthy (if it was) or what previous healthy relationships felt like.
Our own home life as a child shared the same emotions, behaviors, and ways of communicating and this dynamic feels familiar.
If one or all of these factors of normative blindness are with us, even allowing ourselves to characterize aspects of our relationship as abusive may feel threatening or foreign. It often takes time, patience, and repeated validation from others to allow us to feel grounded and justified in identifying abuse. The signs indicated below are offered as a form of validation, and are not meant to shame. If you recognize yourself or a loved one in the points mentioned, know that help does exist.
How to Recognize Abusive Relationships
*Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive and is not a formalized diagnostic tool. If you have safety concerns reading this in a shared living space with your partner, seek a private reading space within the home or outside of the home.
My partner’s temper scares me.
I spend a lot of time avoiding triggers that could anger them.
I am often in “trouble” when I cannot mind-read what they need/want or do not give them what they need/want immediately.
I do what my partner says to keep the peace.
I say “yes” or “no” depending on what my partner wants because I do not want to hurt their feelings or make them upset.
If my partner is upset, I feel an urgent need to rescue them.
If my partner is upset, in trouble, or something is wrong, it is my responsibility to fix things and I am a bad person if I do not.
I apologize to myself or others for my partner’s behavior if I am treated badly.
I tell myself or others “It’s not that bad”, “It was just one time”, “They were having a bad day”, or another justification when something bad happens to me, even if it has happened before.
I make decisions based on what I anticipate my partner’s reaction will be.
I decide how I should spend my money and time and who I spend it with based on what will make my partner feel best and/or least upset.
My partner has used physical force of any kind.
My partner has threatened to hurt me, thrown things at or around me, kicked or shoved me.
My partner has forced me into sexual activities when I did not want to.
My wellbeing suffers because of my partner.
I have lost sleep, friends, money, my job, or other opportunities because of my partner.
My partner does not respect what I own.
My partner has mistreated my pets, belongings, or home in some way.
I am constantly criticized by my partner.
I often feel like I am unworthy, unlovable, non-deserving, not smart, incapable, or lesser in some way because of things my partner has said about me.
My partner makes fun of me for, shames, or minimizes my opinions, beliefs, values, and outside relationships.
I have to “report” to my partner all elements of my day.
It is non-negotiable that I share with my partner who I was with, what I did, who I talked to, and where I was at any given time.
If you are seeking more support after reading this
Remember that trauma therapy can be an information gathering place as well as a processing place. Connecting with a Denver trauma therapist can offer further validation for what you experience and be a resource building safe place.
Check out the following resources:
Denver specific resources:
General resources:
Explore the other blogs in our abusive relationship series
Get Started with Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
If this blog or other blogs in our trauma and abusive relationships series resonate with you and you’re ready to seek support, reach out to learn more about Denver trauma therapy at CZ Therapy Group. Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin healing through trauma therapy.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR therapy in Denver, CO, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver, CO and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.