Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Relationships
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Trauma Therapist
If one or both partners in a relationship has experienced sexual, emotional, or physical trauma in a previous partnership, conflict can be especially challenging to navigate.
As a trauma therapist in Denver, CO who also specializes in couples counseling, a common concern I hear from a person who has suffered inter-relational trauma is, My current partner is nothing like my old partner. Why am I still responding like I did in my past relationship?
The story I hear from the non-afflicted partner is the inverse of above, I am doing everything I can to help my partner heal, but stuff is still coming up. I don’t know what more I can do.
In each case, disappointment, shame, frustration, and sadness can taint each partner’s perspective of themselves and the other. Even when the relationship feels “good”, there may be worries lurking about when the other foot could drop and conflict begins again. Living with doubt about emotional constancy in a relationship is incredibly taxing: we lose our ability to be present with the relationship’s joys and potentially, our capacity to see ourselves as a worthy partner.
Why is it that despite our best efforts and our partner’s best efforts, past relationships can still haunt the present? And how can we fix that? Read on to hear my perspective as a Denver trauma therapist on the impact of trauma in a couple’s cycle and how therapy can help shift stuckness.
If you haven’t already, be sure to check out our blog on ‘the cycle’, which unpacks the reasons why couples fight:
Why The Past is Here From a Nervous System Perspective
The imprint of trauma is something we can often more consciously track in our thoughts and emotions- feelings of depression, restlessness, hypervigilance and thoughts related to distrust or what could I have done better are just a few examples. What we don’t discuss enough is the impact of our trauma on our bodies and more specifically - our nervous system.
Trauma And The Brain
Our sympathetic nervous system is the home of our fight-flight-freeze response. A severe traumatic event or ongoing episodes of trauma activate our amygdala, which we consider our emotional processing center. As the amygdala recognizes There is a threat here, it sends a danger call to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is the home of our fight or flight system, and when this system is activated by our hypothalamus, the body responds with increased heartbeat, breathing patterns, and heightened senses. While in many instances, our body returns to baseline after a dangerous event occurs, trauma stores the images, tastes, sounds, and feelings associated with the danger in our neural networks.
Why Does The Past Still Impact My Relationships Today?
Though time may have passed since our trauma, or we are with a partner and in an environment that is safe, the blueprint of trauma remains primed in our nervous system, and can be activated by a word, emotion, or behavior that is associated with the trauma. Therefore, it is because trauma is rooted in physiological systems that are outside our conscious control that we feel our past within our present, even if the context is entirely different.
Trauma Has an Impact on Our Communication Styles, Too!
Most who have survived trauma report that they logically know they are safe, their partner is safe, and their environment is safe in the present. However, our emotional brains that are deeply intertwined with the physiological systems mentioned above have a harder time making that connection. The Denver trauma therapists at CZTG conceptualize disconnect between partners through the lens of Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment. A primary tool in EFT especially applicable with trauma is known as ‘The Cycle’.
Many of our other blogs break down EFT and the cycle further, but what is important here is the shape of disconnect itself: an infinity symbol. Disconnect is not the “fault” of one person alone, but the impact of one partner’s emotions, thoughts and behaviors on the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors of the other partner.
In the center of the cycle, notice the “trigger”/ “alarm bell” section. Remember that with trauma, it is stored inside our bodies as it was felt and experienced at the time of danger. Triggers are anything that remind us emotionally, mentally, or physically of that time of danger, even if many facets of the present are different than the past.
Bringing ‘The Cycle’ to Life with an Example
Pretend Partner 1 was previously involved with a physically abusive partner who in times of rage, would yell and then hit Partner 1.
In the current safe relationship, Partner 2 is a big sports fan, and during important games, yells at the TV. For Partner 1, the yelling- even though it is not directed at them- resembles the precursor to the danger they experienced in their former relationship.
Partner 2’s excited screams are interpreted by Partner 1’s body as a trigger, and Partner 1 may respond by physically tensing, thinking, I am not safe, feeling scared and responding by running from the room.
Partner 2 sees Partner 1 running from the room (their own emotional trigger), prompting physical sensations of discomfort, thinking, I’m a bad partner for scaring them, feeling sad and responding by withdrawing and waiting for their partner to calm.
In times when no triggers are present, Partners 1 and 2 feel connected, emotionally and physically safe, and valued. It is only when reminders of the past surface that the story about the present changes, and partners begin to question themselves and their relationship. Often times simply recognizing and blaming disconnect on trauma versus individuals in the relationship can be a relieving starting point.
Here are other ways trauma therapy in Denver, CO or couples counseling can help individuals and couples navigate trauma in interpersonal relationships:
Recognizing triggers associated with trauma and how both partners respond to these triggers
Directing accountability to trauma versus each other for disconnect
Connecting to strength and resilience within the relationship when trauma is not present
Accessing deeper, underlying emotions about how trauma-related disconnect impacts sense of self and perception of our partner
Recognizing personal needs and needs from a partner when triggers occur
Restructuring communication about needs when triggers occur that allow both partners to feel seen and heard.
Relationship-Focused Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
Reach out to our team of trauma specialists for individual or couples counseling to gain better connection with yourself and partner. Follow these three steps to get started:
1. Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if Denver therapy at CZTG is right for you.
2. Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
3. Begin your path towards healing!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR therapy in Denver, CO, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver, CO and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.