Healing After an Abusive Relationship: Defining Safe Spaces with a Denver Trauma Therapist
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Trauma Therapist
When we leave or are in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, we need places of belonging to stabilize and heal. As our basic needs for shelter, financial security, and physical safety are met, we are often met with some iteration of a relationship identity crisis: what is a healthy relationship? Who can I trust? Where can I turn and find understanding? Under what conditions is “healing” supposed to happen? Author, psychotherapist, and yoga instructor Stephen Cope outlines the principles for “transformational spaces” in his book Yoga and The Quest For The True Self. I imagine that some readers may be tempted to exit the browser here so allow me to make a disclaimer: the following blog is not about yoga! Rather, I wanted to illuminate Cope’s principles as a guide for things we can look for as “green flags” in relationships, communities, and organizations we pursue following the aftermath of abuse. So, let’s read on to learn more about what allows a space or relationship to be transformational, and what those spaces look, feel, and sound like.
What Is a Transformational Space?
Cope applies the metaphor of a butterfly seeking a cocoon when it is ready to hatch to human beings anticipating a transition: we want and need environments that hold safe, encouraging, and non-shaming conditions for growth. Often times these environments incorporate some kind of training component, like school, the army, or a mentor. Transformational spaces align with an internal desire for change on our own terms, and do not have to be explicitly educational, psychological, or spiritual, but can be. Examples can include a relationship with a therapist, mentor, coach, trusted friend, spiritual group, club, or a school cohort. Leaving abusive relationships prompts the shedding of longstanding stories about how relationships “should be” and self-worth. Finding a home in a transformational space post abuse not only facilitates but validates our reconstruction of self-esteem and expression of relational and individual needs.
Components of Transformational Spaces
*If readers are interested in learning more about the intersection of transformational spaces with yoga or want the full text for themselves, click the link here to find Cope’s book. These principles are outlined in Chapter 2, pages 26-32.
1. “They create a quality of refuge”
In an abusive relationship, we are bound to explicit and implicit rules about how to behave and support our partner. Transformational spaces normalize “not knowing” and do not enforce “shoulds” about how to act, think, or feel. We are able to reconnect or begin to develop an authentic self that is embraced under all conditions, not someone else’s expectations.
2. “They create safety through constancy in a relationship”
Abusers use verbal, physical, or emotional threats and manipulation to shape relationships. Mentors within transformational spaces are “constant, reliable, non-abandoning, and nonreactive”. In these spaces, we are never shamed for an emotional response and our mentors are as gentle and curious about our limitations as they are our strengths.
3. “They encourage creativity and experimentation”
We are allowed to play with and become familiar with passions, interests, beliefs, and strengths that we were denied within our abusive relationship. We have permission to reinvent who we are and what we like to do, think, and feel as often as we want.
4. “They are organized around transitional objects that are constant and reliable”
Transformational spaces are in many cases, though not all, temporary. They are meant to be vehicles for growth, rather than the destination themselves. We are not bound to them forever, and it is because of their impermanence that they are such meaningful “cocoons”. As mentioned above, this is not always true of transformational spaces- we can belong in certain organizations our entire lives! However, relationships such as a therapist-client relationship are typically only sustained until the point in which the client feels a readiness to move forward on their own.
5. “They do not deify these transitional objects, or themselves”
Teachers and mentors of any kind are not meant to be worshipped, made sacred, or are always “all knowing” or “perfect”. Abusers place themselves upon a pedestal in which they can do no wrong- transformational spaces cannot and should not replicate a dynamic in which one person knows best and others are meant to meet their needs at any cost. In these spaces, we are given the freedom to simply know and be ourselves.
6. “They provide us with a way of finding out who we are”
We are encouraged to discover who we are through suggestion, guidance, and exploration versus being told what to do or who we are. Though being explicitly directed to resources or next steps can be necessary during the stabilization phase of leaving an abusive relationship, the healing phase is meant to hold lots of openness. We learn about our needs and selves through experimenting with safe others and reality itself, versus being told what’s “right or wrong” by a doctrine or sole person in power.
7. “They do not have to be perfect”
Mentors and community members are allowed to make mistakes, be vulnerable, and not have all the answers. There are no consequences for feeling into emotions or sensations that were denied in an abusive relationships, or for vocalizing and feeling into new ways of responding to the world around us.
8. “They are open to, and support, other paths to development”
Transitional spaces want us to flourish, and they affirm us using other support spaces to do so. They do not claim that “their way is the only way”, and want us to be self-expressive in as many realms as possible. This can mean the validation of other transitional spaces, like membership in multiple volunteer organizations, or individual healing practices, like making music or art.
Using Denver Trauma Therapy as a Transformational Space
As mentioned above, there is no such thing as the “ultimate” or “correct” transformational space. Defining what you deem as a potential healing space is part of the healing process itself! However, several components of transformational spaces are seen and felt directly within the therapeutic relationship built in trauma therapy in Denver, CO, particularly:
The therapist as a non-abandoning and non-reactive figure of security and encouragement
Permission to not know within the therapy room
Encouragement from your therapist to sink into formerly forbidden feelings or thoughts
Validation for your existing systems of support and exploration of other realms of support
A place where you are not told what to do or how to feel or think
Curiosity driven versus rule driven; empowerment driven versus shame driven
Seek More Support with Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
We’re not meant to heal from trauma alone. If you feel ready to get support, reach out to explore Denver trauma therapy as a stepping stone in your transformational journey. Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin healing through trauma therapy.
Explore Our Blog Series on Abusive Relationships
This month, we focused our resources as therapists who specialize in trauma therapy in Denver, CO. into a series on abusive relationships. If this blog resonates with you, we invite you to explore the other blogs in our series.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR therapy in Denver, CO, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver, CO and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.