Talking About Porn with Your Partner
By Jordan Kurtz (she/her), MA, LPCC
Talking About Intimacy Without Conflict
As a Denver couple’s therapist and trauma specialist, I can affirm that sex is a common topic of conversation in the therapy room. “Conversations about sex” is a large umbrella term, so let me clue you in on different themes within this topic I frequently discuss with clients in Denver couples therapy:
Performance anxiety
How “well” am I/my partner doing in sex? Are we meeting one another’s and our own expectations and hopes?
Routines surrounding sex
How often do we have sex? When, where, and how is appropriate?
Desire discrepancies
I want sex more/less than my partner and that makes me/them feel….
Permissiveness, kink, open/closed relationships, relational structure changes
What will it mean for our relationship if we invite another person, dynamic, or form of play/experimentation in?
Core needs fulfilled by sex
How do our definitions of the significance of sex align? Does it fulfill an emotional, physical, spiritual, or other purpose?
Trauma triggers in sex
Exploration of how past sexual trauma impacts sense of safety, self-image and other things in the present relationship
Influence of familial, religious, or cultural identities with sex
What is the relationship between my religion, my family or culture’s views and my views on masturbation, sex before marriage, and sexual acts?
Porn
Is porn considered cheating? If allowed, what are the “rules” (if any) surrounding porn viewing?
For today’s post, we are going to zero in on the last topic of this list – porn – and identify:
Why it is important to have discussions about porn within relationships
Individual reflective questions surrounding porn
Sensitive ways to hold conversations about porn together
Checklist for supportive, attuned, and aligned parameters around acceptable porn content and viewing habits
Why it’s important to have discussions about porn
Sexual fulfillment is an important tenet of individual and relational well-being. How important sexual well-being is and how it is obtained varies person to person and couple to couple. At CZTG, we do not hold a fixed view on what an “ideal” sexual relationship looks like, as we believe that individual and relational values, identities, and trauma histories shape what “ideal” means in unique ways. What we do hold a fixed belief on is that every person should feel safe, heard, and fully consenting in sexual interactions, and this includes porn!
No matter how similar you and your partner are or how strong your relationship is, it is always best practice to have conversations surrounding all facets of intimacy. That way, each person is aware of their partner’s comfort level with certain acts and the effect on the relationship if one’s comfort or boundaries are disregarded. Porn is often perceived as an individual activity that does not have any impact on the relationship. This may hold true in some relationships, but not all. If we aren’t on the same page as our partner about porn, this “thing I do alone” may turn into something that creates disconnect in the relationship.
Individual reflective questions about porn
Below are examples of questions I often encourage individual partners to consider on their own before sharing views with their partner. These questions prompt consideration of how society, our families, friends, and previous relationships influence our perspective on porn.
How did my family talk about sex and/or porn growing up, if at all?
How did social groups and friends perceive porn when I was growing up? How about my friends and social groups now?
What does watching porn reflect about a person, if anything?
Do I consider porn cheating? Why or why not?
What was the role of porn in my previous partnerships?
How would I feel if my partner knew I watched porn? How would I feel if I knew my partner watched porn?
Do I believe viewing porn enhances or detracts from the health of the relationship? My individual health?
Talking about porn together
Some couples may have already reflected on these questions prior to coming to therapy, and need therapy solely to help understand conflicting perspectives. For many of us, this may be our first time answering these questions on our own, and something we have never discussed with another human being! That’s entirely normal. Due to factors within our upbringing, sexual trauma, societal stigma or embarrassment, we are often not encouraged openly and safely to talk about anything related to sex and pleasure.
It can be deeply beneficial in relationships to begin by normalizing reflection and conversations about sex as a whole. This communicates to ourselves and to our partner: I am/you are welcome, safe, and valued when I/you talk about these things. Notice that merely normalizing conversations about sex does not guarantee you and your partner will agree about all things. However, it creates a foundation of curiosity, openness, and understanding that will help facilitate later conversations when different opinions are present.
Begin the introduction of normalizing into the relationship through:
Acknowledging the elephant in the room. It’s okay to feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about sex with your partner. Again, we are not taught in our youth or adulthood that having these conversations is healthy, okay, and normal! It could be as simple as sharing, “Hey, these things are weird for me to talk about or ask you about, but I’d like to try.”
Create parameters that make conversations about sex feel okay. Perhaps it is important for your partner to be making physical contact or eye contact with you as you share, or there are certain times of day that you feel less present to talk about sex than others. Check in on these components and other factors of comfort with yourself and your partner before diving in, including how to define when you feel overwhelmed and need to pause the conversation.
Sharing your answers to the above questions to your partner and hearing their answers in return, or creating your own that feel relevant to the relationship.
“Safe porn” checklist
Once you and your partner develop a state of familiarity and comfort holding these types of conversations together, you can begin to ease into more specific questions pertaining to porn. “Safe” in this context means shared consensus and consent about if porn is okay in the relationship, and if so, what other variables should be agreed upon.
We agree that porn is not considered cheating and therefore condoned within our relationship.
We have determined if porn can be watched individually, jointly, or both.
We agree upon what amount of porn is acceptable to watch on a daily, weekly, monthly, or general basis.
We have created agreed upon boundaries surrounding what type of porn is acceptable to watch individually, jointly or both.
We agree to share with the other person if we feel that porn is introducing negativity to the relationship.
We have defined what warning signs/indications of “negativity” could look, feel like and sound like.
We have a safe word or gesture in place that communicates discomfort or “Stop” if we are viewing porn together and one partner is feeling unsafe.
We have discussed whether or not porn viewing (and other parts of our sexual relationship) is acceptable to share about with friends and trusted others.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Couples Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver EMDR therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.