Wait- Say that Again? Improving Communication through Listening Cues from a Denver Couples Counselor
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver COuples therapist
You’re feeling grounded. You had a positive quarterly review with your boss earlier in the day, made it to the gym in the evening, and are anticipating your first sit-down dinner with your partner all week. As they come to the table, they seem blue- sighing as they ladle food onto their plate and avoiding eye contact with you. It’s okay though, as you are feeling relaxed and genuinely care about what is preoccupying them.
You venture into their emotional world, asking, “You seem down. How are you feeling?” With that well-intentioned question delivered, the tone of the night shifts. They begin to complain aggressively about egotistical coworkers, frustration with their family, criticism about their body, and then to your surprise, attacks on you about seemingly everything within the relationship.
Your curiosity and calm towards your partner’s heaviness turns to anger of your own.
How could they be attacking me right now when all I tried to do was help?
As they continue, you notice your defensiveness mounting and tightness in your throat expanding, and internal stories about your partner and yourself grow louder, I can never do anything right, They’re always playing the victim.
You reach your boiling point, and rise from the table to clear the dishes without your partner.
It is likely that many of us can see glimmers of ourselves or our partners within this story. Despite differences in age, financial means, sexual or gender orientation, monogamous or non-monogamous and other identities, all couples seeking Denver couples therapy at CZ Therapy Group share some iteration of the above:
It’s like we are speaking two different languages, and I feel misunderstood and hurt when I try to communicate with my partner.
How is this so, and how can we fix it? Read on to learn more about how Denver couples counseling can help you decode your partner’s language, interpret your own, and then come together to share your needs as well as hear your partner’s.
An Overview of Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples - The Cycle
Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is the chosen lens for all of the Denver couples therapists at CZTG for a variety of reasons:
Non-shaming: EFT frames the cycle of conflict (illustrated above in the rose-colored infinity loop) as the enemy, not partners themselves.
All-encompassing breakdown of conflict: conflict is not just defined by the words that are vocalized, but also accompanying body language, internal bodily sensations, layers of emotional reactions, and thoughts.
Finds the roots: other therapies address the superficial- changing what is said and how it said. This is important but does not address the unfulfilled needs (shown in the heart) that are rarely externalized that drive the conflict.
Using our dinner example at the start of this article, let’s break down Partner 1- the person who was feeling blue.
They shared many triggers with their partner: dissatisfaction with coworkers, their family, and their body. The example does not specifically relay their internal feelings, but we can assume there is frustration present and the internal story they are sharing with their partner is that Many parts of my world aren’t going well and You are contributing to that. Their coping response to Partner 2’s pushback is continuing to identify ways Partner 2 has “messed up” and denying responsibility for their actions Partner 2 names as hurtful.
The use of the infinity loop in EFT is intentional- notice that Partner 1’s emotions, behaviors and stories directly catalyze triggers for Partner 2. For Partner 2, their trigger is their partner’s criticism of their behaviors. Internal feelings are surprise and irritation, and their internal story is I can never do anything right, They’re always playing the victim. Partner 2 copes with responsive defensiveness and eventually, leaving the table.
In the height of aroused emotion, we are typically only capable of noticing our feelings and behaviors in response to our partner’s words and behaviors. It is far more challenging and rare to be aware of how we feel inside our bodies, how our partner feels inside their body, stories we hold and stories our partners hold, and most critically- the deeper emotions creating the cycle (the “vulnerable primary emotions”).
Learn more about why couples fight through an EFT lens on our previous blog.
How Does EFT Couples Therapy Help with Communication?
Emotion Focused Therapy for couples works through repetition of the following components:
Identification of parts of the cycle- your own and your partner’s
Verbalizing your part of the cycle aloud to your partner while they remain regulated
Hearing your partner’s part of the cycle while remaining regulated
Catching when the cycle begins within and without the therapy room and pausing to allow different reactions
When these goals are achieved within and without the therapy room, phase two of Emotion Focused Therapy for couples entails:
Identifying core emotions that underlie initial emotional reactions
Verbalizing these emotions to your partner and vice versa while remaining regulated
Understanding attachment needs related to these core emotions
Verbalizing these attachment needs to your partner and vice versa while remaining regulated
The more observation and interpretation we lend to the cycle, the more power it loses. What was once a rapid fire jumble of accusatory words, misunderstood feelings, and reactive behavior becomes a more familiar, linear, and trackable pattern. When we are capable of catching this pattern on our own or within our partner, we have more autonomy over directing the conversation in an empathic direction. In other words, we begin to speak the same language.
EFT Couples Counseling in Denver, CO.
Want to learn more? Follow these three steps to initiate conversation with a couples counselor in Denver today.
Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if couples therapy in Denver is right for you.
Connect with the Denver couples therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin experiencing stronger communication in your relationship!
Explore more by reading our previous relationship focused blogs.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Couples Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides couples counseling in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.