Why Can’t We Work this Out? Unpacking Friendship Conflict with a Denver Therapist
By Jordan Kurtz (she/her), MA, LPCC
There are lots of ways we talk about and understand differences within friendships. A common go to is considering introversion vs extroversion: in a matter of seconds, we can likely mentally sort which of our friends we’d choose a night in with, and which we are going out with. Another perspective is considering shared community: friends can belong to specific groups that tend to share similar values, like church, work, or sports teams.
Through these lenses, we can create hypotheses about why conflict occurs when it does. There’s tension here right now because she’s wanting to be a homebody and that sounds boring- we can’t compromise or I’m frustrated because he bailed on the game last minute. He knows how important this match is to all of us. It becomes harder when we notice patterns of disconnect in friendships that feel deeper than the situation at hand. We may begin to wonder if we truly are compatible as friends, and that can feel scary and hopeless.
An underrepresented- and often misunderstood- way of understanding conflict in friendships is through the lens of attachment styles.
Attachment styles reflect how we relate to other people when stress arises, and are developed in childhood based on how our caretakers responded to us. If our caretakers were occasionally there for us or had mixed responses to us in crisis, we likely need consistent reassurance from people in our adult life that they are there for us and they want to be there for us (anxious attachment style). If we could not count on our caretakers in childhood, we likely are highly self-sufficient and become skeptical or overwhelmed by counting on someone else or them counting on us (avoidant attachment style).
When we get into arguments with friends, it can absolutely be circumstantial. However, if it feels like you are routinely misunderstanding one another or discover that your needs are different when big emotions are present, you may be feeling the friction of different attachment styles. This is totally normal and okay! It does not mean the death of friendship or that either of you are bad friends. Rather, it means we may need to take a few steps back and check in with what’s going on underneath the surface for ourselves and our friend when stress occurs.
The descriptions below demonstrate what anxious and avoidant attachment styles can look and sound like in conflict, as well as the emotional needs buried below the tension.
See if you or any friend in your life map onto these templates to gain a more empathic and holistic understanding of your friendship.
Anxious Attachment:
Potential Triggers:
No response to a message
Language that sounds uncertain or hard to interpret (i.e. “Sure”, “K”, etc)
Feeling that other people are more _____ than me (i.e. “cool”, “fun”, “important”, etc)
If I have upset you or believe I have upset you
How I May Be Feeling Inside:
Insecure
Uncertain of my worth
Anxious
Racing mind
Analysis paralysis (i.e. ruminating on how all of my communication and actions were perceived in a recent time period)
How I May Communicate On the Outside:
“Loud” silence: I’m not sharing how I am feeling but people around me can tell something is “up”
Sometimes called passive aggressiveness- when we communicate something indirectly
i.e. “Yeah I’m fine, it’s whatever” when we don’t truly feel okay
Restless body language
Questions
Are you sure I didn’t do anything to bother you?
You seem off. Did I say something?
What I’m Likely Needing From You:
Understanding that….
Fear and anxiety can occasionally overtake trust and confidence in our friendship
Sometimes I need redirection from you to safety
Affirmation that….
You’re still there for me
This friendship is valuable to you
Space does not mean you’re abandoning me
I’m not a bad person if I’ve made a mistake
Avoidant Attachment:
Potential Triggers:
“Big” emotional displays- tears, yelling, criticism, etc
Feeling like I will be “punished” if I have alone time or am with other people
Being told I’m “careless”, “cold”, or a “robot” if I don’t respond right away
Multiple requests for reassurance at once
How I May Be Feeling Inside:
Overwhelmed
Shut down
Empty mind
Sad, angry, or frustrated
“Stuck”
How I May Communicate On the Outside:
Not responding to messages
Pursuing time alone or with others without communicating
Expressionless or neutral facial expressions
Body language that is turned away from you
Short responses (i.e. “I don’t know”, “I guess”, “Yes” or “No”, “Fine”)
What I’m Likely Needing From You:
Space and time to….
Identify my own emotions
Empathize with what you are feeling
Calm my nervous system
Trust that…
Our relationship matters even if I have other meaningful relationships
I care about you even when I take space
Attachment Focused Trauma Therapy in Denver CO.
Finding resonance in what was detailed above? Curious about the impact of your attachment style with coworkers, intimate partners, and family? Connect with a Denver trauma therapist at CZTG today to begin your healing through the attuned lens of attachment.
Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if Denver therapy at CZTG is right for you.
Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin your path towards healing!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver EMDR therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.