Religious Trauma and The Holidays
The holidays are in full swing, with all the stress, laughter, and triggers that come with family obligations and religious celebrations. For those of us with religious trauma backgrounds, it can be a minefield of triggers, arguments, and stress as we figure out how to navigate all that encompasses holiday celebrations. Religious trauma affects many people across all religions and makes it difficult or impossible to attend services. Holiday services are no exception to this.
So, how do we make it through the holidays when we are affected by religious trauma?
Managing Family Expectations
Holidays can be the perfect storm of family expectations, trauma triggers, and emotional exhaustion. One way to mitigate this is to manage your family’s expectations up front. Letting family know when and where you will be joining the festivities helps ease everyone’s tension around the holidays. Keeping answers short and simple can also help avoid arguments and guilt trips. “Sorry, I won’t be able to make it to Mass. I’ll meet you at the house at 6,” or “I can’t make it to services, but I will see you after,” is enough communication to let people know when to expect you.
If people continue to press you for details of your attendance at religious functions, reiterate that you can’t make it this year. This tactic can help communicate your boundary around discussing religion and attendance with family members. No matter what it feels like, you are not obligated to explain why you aren’t attending religious functions.
If your family is highly religious and the triggers of being with them are overwhelming, have an escape plan, or make other plans altogether. There is nothing wrong with spending holidays with friends or chosen family who support your religious trauma therapy and healing journey.
Celebrating the Holidays while Healing from Trauma
Now that we’ve managed our family’s expectations around if and when they will be seeing us, it’s time to decide how we want to celebrate the holidays. Even without religion, there are secular ways to observe the cultural aspect of the holidays.
Most of the holy days being observed by the many religions this time of year involve gift giving. Exchanging gifts can be a way of observing a holiday without invoking religious observance. If particular dates, like Christmas or Hanukkah, are triggering for you, try exchanging gifts on the Winter Solstice, New Year’s Eve, or at a nice dinner any time you choose. This can be a way of building your own holiday traditions.
Those of us that get time off work for the holidays can feel overwhelmed when staring down a day with no work and few options for entertainment. Try planning some activities that work with holiday hours and closures. Here are some ideas:
At home movie marathon (Easier than ever with streaming).
Game day (Board games, online games, video games)
At home spa day (fancy bath supplies, spa music, full body moisturizing)
Curl up under a blanket with a good book
Plan a special meal (get takeout ahead of time if you don’t cook)
DIY art or writer’s retreat
Take a walk
Volunteer
Throw a party
Take a vacation
Whether you want to be surrounded by friends and family or are looking forward to a day alone, planning a couple activities can take the pressure off a full day with no work. The ideas listed above work just as well for those of us with kids. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you’re checking in with your emotions and taking care of yourself. Discussing the holidays ahead of time with your therapist can help take some of the pressure off planning your days off.
Dealing with Holiday Triggers
Regardless of how you choose to spend your holiday season, there will be triggers. The holidays are practically inescapable in American society, so make sure you’re paying attention to how you’re feeling in the midst of the flurry.
Work with your therapist and support group to identify triggers and some coping tools to deal with them. Let your most supportive friends and family know what you need from them during this time.
Planning a text during a family gathering, coffee to debrief after, or a dinner with supportive friends can provide breaks from the stressors of the season.
Find a non-religious holiday support group or social gathering to have a place free from religious guilt and have a secular option for holiday socializing.
Recovering from Religion is a group that has chapters in many large metro areas as well as a chat and phone line for people who are deconstructing their faith or dealing with religious trauma. Meet Up also often has events listed for non-religious holiday celebrations.
It is equally important to take care of yourself after the holidays as it is during them. Make sure you have your next therapy session scheduled and plenty of intentional self-care activities to provide some options for dealing with post-holiday let down.
Post-holiday letdown affects everyone, and for those of us with religious trauma it can come with a large helping of guilt and shame. Processing the emotions associated with our holiday celebration choices is essential to healing from religious trauma. Journaling, therapy, and meditation can help process and resolve some of the trauma related to holiday celebrations.
Holiday Reminders
If you’re feeling isolated or unsupported as you make it through the holidays, here are a few supportive statements and reminders to carry with you.
It is natural for beliefs to change, particularly with religious trauma.
Trauma changes us and our capacity for distress tolerance. It is okay if you can’t “grin and bear it” for the sake of family and friends.
You get to leave places and people who make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
Your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself, your children, and your pets.
You are not responsible for other people’s reactions to changes in your beliefs or observances.
It is not a crime to stop going to religious functions and you are not a bad person because your beliefs changed.
You do not deserve the trauma, abuse, or mistreatment you received. It is not your fault, and you didn’t ask for it.
You deserve to heal from your trauma (as much as is possible) and build the life you want to live.
