Talking to Loved Ones About Faith Deconstruction
Holidays can be joyous, but they can also come with a heaping helping of stress and drama. When you’re deconstructing your faith, or have left it all together, it can be even more stressful to get together with family and friends. Many times, relationships, traditions, and holiday parties are centered around religion. From funerals and weddings to Midnight Mass, religion is a huge part of many people’s lives. So, what do you do when you’re deconstructing your beliefs and are seeing religious family or friends?
The first thing to acknowledge when deconstructing our faith is that we are not in control of how other people react to something we are going through. This is especially true when religion is involved. Depending on where you are in the process of questioning and deconstructing your faith, you may choose not to discuss it at all. If this is your decision, having some canned responses can make things less contentious and more enjoyable for everyone.
The second thing to acknowledge is that discussing this process, even with people you trust and who are open to your process, is exhausting. It is completely acceptable to sidestep the conversation entirely with a few pithy responses that can help you change the topic altogether.
What is Deconstruction?
Deconstruction is the process of doubting, questioning, investigating, and potentially letting go of religious and spiritual beliefs and practices. This process is often spurred by a crisis of faith. For some people this develops from a sudden event, such as the death of a loved one; for others it is a more gradual questioning of various beliefs until they come to a crisis of faith. Deconstructing is a process that each person works through at their own pace, and the process looks different for each person.
When going through the process of deconstructing, it is important to choose our confidantes wisely. Throughout this time it can become evident that some relationships are founded on a common belief system. Questioning or changing these beliefs can make friends and family members angry and confused about their place in your life. Deconstruction is uncomfortable for the person going through it, and those around us may feel threatened or scared by the questions we are asking.
Finding a good, religiously neutral therapist and working through the crisis of faith in therapy can provide a safe space to disclose our doubts in a confidential setting. It can also be helpful to access talk or chat lines like the one by Recovering From Religion.
Talking to Loved Ones about Religious Deconstruction
While it is possible to deconstruct religious beliefs and maintain relationships, not every relationship can bear the weight of these conversations. It can be helpful to start gently when broaching the subject. This allows us to see how comfortable the other person is questioning spiritual beliefs and generally accepted religious teachings. Some slow start-up phrases that might be helpful:
I was thinking the other day and wondered where [insert teaching/belief] came from.
What do you think about [teaching/belief]?
I’ve been thinking a lot about [god/religion/spirituality] lately. I’m not sure about [insert belief]. Have you questioned this before?
I guess I’m just not positive we got the God thing 100% right.
I think questioning is something we all go through at times, and now is my time.
I’m doing a lot of exploration of my relationship with God and trying to work some things out that I don’t fully understand.
These types of phrases can be less threatening to people who might be threatened by our questioning. They also give us an easy out if the conversation doesn’t go as we had hoped. An easy out for any recriminations or arguments that may come our way is, “Yeah, I was just thinking about it and wondered what you thought. Thank you for sharing your perspective.”
If you decide to press on in this conversation, go gently and don’t make it the entirety of the conversation. There’s no reason to deconstruct all of your beliefs with your loved ones immediately. These conversations are exhausting for everyone and often lead to arguments. Ensuring that there are other topics of discussion, ones that are lighter and with lower stakes, decreases the likelihood of arguments, resentments, and topic fatigue. Deconstruction is a long process and maintaining relationships during this time takes patience, acceptance, and love.
You might decide not to address faith at all, and that’s also a valid decision. Deconstruction is hard enough without family and friends trying to argue us back into our old faith. This could be a good decision for anyone who is dealing with religious trauma. Religious trauma is a complex type of trauma that can be tightly woven into our family life. This makes addressing a crisis of faith with family members even more touchy and frustrating.
Choosing not to address our doubts or questions doesn’t mean that others won’t notice changes in us. It can be easy for those who know us well to see or hear differences in how we address questions around church, faith, and religion. If you grew up in a churchgoing family, explaining why you’re not going can be tricky. It can be helpful to have a plan if you want to avoid religious services this time of year. Oversleeping, staying back to take care of food, or running an errand during this timeframe could make things a little easier and get you out of services you don’t want to go to.
Responding to Invasive Questions
Family loves to get into our business; particularly the business we’re trying to avoid. The inevitable questions will come and this is where some predetermined responses come in handy. Practicing these in the car on the way to a gathering will help you inject some authenticity and confidence:
I’m having a lot of conversations with [deity] and learning a lot about my faith.
I am in a season of questioning and wrestling with certain beliefs.
[Event/belief/topic] has been really hard for me and I am trying to understand my faith better in light of that.
I’m not exactly sure where I am at with my faith, but I am learning so much!
I would prefer not to discuss that right now.
I need some time to figure out where I am in my relationship with Jesus.
These are just some suggestions for prepared responses. Remember that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions to the way you’re living your life. Very few people of any kind of faith expect to have a crisis or go through deconstruction. It’s okay to take care of yourself and only share your faith deconstruction with people outside your family or faith groups.
You Deserve Support
Our team of therapists work with religious trauma and deconstruction and would love to support you!
Feel free to reach out to us to learn more.
