Grief During The Holidays

By Jordan Kurtz, Ma, LPCC, Grief and Trauma Therapist

For those who have experienced or are experiencing loss, we carry the understanding that it never fully abates but waxes and wanes with time, circumstances, and growth. Holidays are such an occasion that can make grief feel more acute and ever-present.

As the holiday season becomes imminent, consider these following suggestions to provide your grief the space it needs.

Principles to Guide You:

Expectation and Exception

What do others traditionally expect of you during the holidays? What do you expect of yourself? This year, grant self-compassion for exceptions to those expectations. What you felt capable and desiring of last year may not hold true this season.

Permission

It is challenging for many of us to ask for help or accept help. As grief taxes your mental, physical, and emotional resources, help is necessary for healing. Experiment with giving permission to yourself to let others take on responsibility and permission for yourself not to participate in all things.

Planning Ahead of Time for the Holidays, the New Year, and Anniversaries:

·       What will I do differently this year?

·       What traditions would I like to change?

·       What traditions would I like to keep unchanged?

·       Who can I turn to for practical help?

·       Who can I turn to for emotional support?

·       How will I take care of myself and when?

·       How will I honor and remember my loved one?

Tangible To Dos (and Not To Dos)

·       Communicate with friends and family proactively about the amount of space or connection you need on the holiday itself

·       Create a memory box for your loved one and encourage others to write down their favorite memories to share aloud at a chosen time

·       Light a candle in honor of your loved one

·       Include a place setting for your loved one at the table

·       Prepare your loved one’s favorite meal

·       Donate to an important cause for your loved one

·       Join a support group

·       Create a memorial ornament, wreath, or alter

·       Skip holiday gatherings (i.e. work party) if you are feeling too overwhelmed

·       Look at old photo albums

·       Talk to your children about grief during the holidays- it is okay to be sad and want to celebrate at the same time

·       Discuss as a family whether gift exchanging feels appropriate or not this year, or perhaps delay it

·       Volunteer in your loved one’s memory

·       Ask someone else to cook the holiday meal or get take-out this year

·       Honor your loved one with a prayer or a moment of silence

·       Attend a church service, or don’t

·       New Year’s is often accompanied by a pressure to celebrate- do you want your New Year’s to be spent with many others? Just close friends and family? By yourself? With alcohol or no alcohol? In your home or somewhere different?

Seeking More Support

Watch and listen to grief researcher and therapist David Kessler talk about grief during the holidays.

If you’ve been thinking about getting more support through your time of grief, reach out to a therapist on our team to learn more about how grief therapy can help.