Marco….Polo: A Breakdown of a Common Argument Pattern Found in Couples Counseling
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Couples Counselor
Can you spot yourself and/or your partner in this common argument pattern?
Person One:
When something makes me upset, I need to get to the bottom of it right away. I think it’s better to talk it out in the moment and find a resolution, otherwise I get anxious or frustrated. “Figuring it out later” means ignoring the problem.
Person Two:
Oftentimes when I feel misunderstood or irritated, I shut down. What’s the point in talking ourselves in circles? I need time to cool off or else I can’t think straight. It’s better to change the subject or distract myself when conflict becomes too intense.
Can you recognize yourself or your partner in one of the scripts above? While everyone approaches conflict differently, many of us gravitate towards one of these dynamics versus the other. Conflict is rarely easy, but it can feel especially problematic when you think more like Person 1 and your partner thinks like Person 2, or vice versa.
Remember the childhood pool game Marco Polo? For those of us who need a memory jog, one person closes their eyes while the other swims away. Then, the person with their eyes closed calls out “Marco” while the other calls out “Polo”, indicating to the seeker where to swim and eventually “catch” the hider.
Person 1 is like the Seeker, on the lookout for acknowledgement, communication, and understanding from the Hider. If Person 2 (the Hider) does not indicate to the Seeker where to look for them or how they are feeling, the Seeker may begin to feel frantic, angry, or doubtful. Contrarily, the Hider may be feeling overwhelmed and not wanting or able to communicate to the Seeker they need more space and time before they are found. If pushed too much, the Hider may become angry with the Seeker and further withdraw.
“The Hider and Seeker” in Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) - Explained by a Couples Counselor in Denver, CO.
Each of the couples counselors at CZ Therapy Group, myself included, utilize Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) to help couples strengthen their bond through exploration of triggers, emotions, and reactions to cycles of connection and disconnection.
Person 1/Seekers are known as Pursuers, and Person 2/Hiders are known as Withdrawers.
When conflict happens, Pursuers lean in. They want to gain connection and understanding from their partner, which often entails talking about the problem immediately. It can be challenging for Pursuers to step back from heightened emotion, which can lead to criticism of their partner if they do not engage, or self-blame.
On the other hand, Withdrawers pull away. From a “fight or flight” perspective, Withdrawers typically take flight. They avoid or attempt to defuse conflict by walking away, minimizing, or deflecting. While Withdrawers may appear superficially unbothered, they are likely feeling intense emotion that they do not know how to respond to. This can also lead to self-blame or feeling as if their partner is smothering them.
Though Pursuer and Withdrawer responses typically look like opposites, they share a common thread: they are a response to feeling emotionally threatened and an attempt to regain safety.
Taking into account this cyclical dynamic, EFT couples counseling is used to:
help couples recognize when and how conflict appears
illuminate how each person responds to conflict (Pursuer vs Withdrawer)
identify emotions and meaning behind responses
model how to constructively communicate needs
Is one approach better than the other?
Not necessarily, but it’s important that the unique needs for each partner are understood. What signifies reassurance to a Pursuer may be perceived as “poking” to a Withdrawer, and the space a Withdrawer needs to process may be perceived as “pushing away” by a Pursuer. It is important to note too that roles can shift over time- if a Pursuer continuously tries to connect with a Withdrawer to no avail, the Pursuer may begin to withdraw too.
Why do I think this way? Why does my partner think this way?
Societal influences (i.e. Men shouldn’t be emotional)
Parental influence (i.e. I grew up watching Mom nag Dad constantly and nothing changed. Why should I bother expressing myself?)
Specific partners (i.e. the partner you dated before your current partner would not understand what you needed unless you argued about it)
Specific life periods (i.e. Since I have become depressed, hearing my partner express themselves has become more tiring)
If we are opposites, how can we learn to respond to one another differently?
Yelling, name-calling, stone walling and avoiding keep us disconnected from our partners and oftentimes, our own deeper emotions.
Couples counseling can be used as a mirror — to reflect patterns that perhaps your partnership is too entrenched in conflict to recognize — and as a gentle shovel — to uncover the vulnerable emotions and needs beneath the surface.
Therapists will begin by helping partners map out elements of their conflict cycle and tease out emotions beneath the conflict. Partners will then have greater access to unanswered needs which they will practice sharing and encouraging with one another. The more positive interactions that demonstrate empathy and attunement occur, the more likely a kinder narrative about ourselves and our partner will emerge.
Next steps to begin couples counseling in Denver, CO.
If this blog aligns with some of the current struggles you and your partner are facing, couples counseling might be an important next step for your relationship. While it is totally possible — and encouraged — for couples to explore the dynamics taking place in their relationship at a deeper level, we can only do so much on our own. Our couples counselors in Denver, CO specialize in Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), a holistic form of Denver couples counseling, and would love to support your relationship.
Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call at Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group.
Connect with a Denver couples counselor at CZTG for your first session.
Begin unpacking your relationship patterns and leaning into healing and growth.
About The Writer
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, teens, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.
