Love Bombing
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, and Trauma + Relationship Therapist
The beginning of relationships of all kinds- platonic, business, intimate- entail appraisal. Some is immediate and unconscious: Are they attractive? How do they speak to the waiter? To the people they are with? What are they wearing? How do they carry themselves? Other types of appraisal become more external with time, perhaps even entering direct conversation as we ask the other, What do you prioritize most? What things are you willing to compromise for me? What can we expect from one another at this stage of life?
Our own experiences and values guide how we invest our emotional resources and time into the relationship, but so does feedback from the other person. We look to their actions and words for reinforcement and additional clues for how to proceed. However, there are instances where despite our best judgment or attunement to clues, we are deceived by others. Today this blog seeks to bring attention to a phenomenon known as love bombing, a form of emotional abuse that causes us to doubt our own relationship reading abilities.
What is love bombing?
Licensed clinical social worker Sasha Jackson describes love bombing as:
tactics of cultivating or demonstrating “excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to the person.”
The love bomber incentivizes trust and reliance from another by presenting a caring, idealized façade. When this is obtained, the love bomber’s behavior and demeanor abruptly shifts and true goals are illuminated, which often include sexual gratification or ego inflation.
Where does love bombing happen?
While elements of love bombing can be seen in familial relationships or friendships where one person seeks to assert power over the other, love bombing is most commonly seen within romantic relationships.
Who are prime suspects for love bombing?
Individuals with the need to dominate, “possess”, or gain satisfaction through exploitation and deception. These attributes are often associated with narcissists, abusers, cult leaders, and con artists.
Why love bombing is so dangerous
We all seek and benefit from feeling special, loved, valued, esteemed, and attractive to varying degrees, and the attention and praise lavished upon us by love bombers appears to tick off all these boxes initially.
Moreover, our bodies physiologically respond to love bombing tactics by producing dopamine and serotonin in response to attention- on a biological and emotional level, it just feels right. With a sense of security in place, we let our guards down and are less likely to note warning signs when they arise, or to push them aside even if we do notice them.
Jackson further notes, “If you partner is giving you excessive love and attention, you feel like you have to give this behavior, dedication, or loyalty in turn despite the red flags you experience”, which may be the grounds for an early cycle of abuse.
When a love bomber begins to withdraw affectionate behaviors, denigrating ones may take their place, including insults, devaluing their partner’s intelligence or looks, gaslighting, or increased forms of control over finances and time.
Potential signs of love bombing
Extravagant gifts
Constant flattery or compliments
Expectations for immediate responses
Covetous of your time and/or isolates you from others
Tracking your whereabouts
Alluding to “destiny” or “soul mate” status early in the relationship (i.e. “I know we are meant to be together.”)
Asking for guarantees of relationship longevity (i.e. “It’s you and me forever, right?”)
What do I do if I have been love bombed?
If you notice warning signs in the beginning of the relationship:
Vocalize your awareness of the attention and how it is making you feel (i.e. “This seems to be moving quickly and I want to set some boundaries”
Track your perceptions with a trusted friend or family member to prevent gaslighting later down the line and receive validation for your wariness
Pause the relationship or cease communication, remembering that you do not owe the other anything.
If you notice these signs within a developed relationship:
Instill self-compassion by remembering you embraced the relationship due to feeling valued, not to be possessed by someone.
Consider the difference between care and control, and categorize which of your partner’s actions and demeanors reflect the two
Seek immediate crisis support if you fear for your physical safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233)
Communicate with your loved ones to prevent isolation and thought vacuums
Consider a narcissism support group
Search for a therapist
Support for Relationship Trauma and Abuse
Our team of trauma and relationship therapists specialize in therapy for survivors of relationship trauma and abuse. Therapy with a member of our team can help you heal through the lingering wounds from past trauma/abuse and find new, safe attachment in relationships moving forward. Learn more about the trauma therapy we provide or reach out to connect with a therapist on our team!