Reasons to Consider Pre-Engagement Counseling
By a Couples Counselor in Denver, Colorado
Premarital Counseling and Pre-Engagement Counseling
Premarital Counseling is a form of counseling or therapy (these terms are often used interchangeably) where couples attend therapeutic sessions to focus on specific areas of their relationship to prepare for marriage.
As therapists, we’ve found that it’s not as often that couples consider therapy before getting engaged. Or maybe a couple isn’t planning to ever get engaged (or married, for that matter) but still hopes to be in a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. That’s where pre-engagement counseling can come into play!
Before a couple decides to invest their time, energy and commitment to one another in marriage, it is important that each person in the relationship feels heard, seen and supported. Like any relationship, there are areas that may need tending for couples to enjoy a healthy, sustainable, and intimate relationship.
Ways that Therapy Can Help Couples in the Pre-Engagement Stage
1) Pre-engagement therapy can help couples address issues now that could become much bigger and more difficult to handle down the road.
If you have significant differences around things like having kids, where you want to live, financial values, religious or spiritual beliefs, parenting values (or even if you both want to have kids)... relationship therapy can help you either reconcile those differences or realize before you get engaged how significant they really are.
Pre-engagement therapy can help couples learn how to deal with disagreements or issues that may surface during marriage. When deciding to take the next steps into a relationship, it’s common that certain “baggage” or patterns, even if they’ve been addressed in the past, may resurface.
Where should we live?
Does each partner feel heard and seen as far as where they want to live? Does each partner share the same vision for their future? Is there discussion around this?
Should we have kids?
Does one partner prefer to not discuss this OR is one partner extremely focused on this? Could having children or even talking about bringing children into their relationship be a significant factor in the long-term trajectory of the relationship?
Spiritual Beliefs
Often, couples either see the world and spirituality through a very similar lens or a lens that’s completely different from one another. How does each partner interact with spirituality? Is it a big part of their relationship or does one partner observe a certain religion while the other does their own thing? How does this impact the relationship?
Financial values
It’s often said that money is one of the primary causes of divorce, and there’s a lot of reasons for that. The way we think and feel about money and the importance it has (or doesn’t have) in our lives can make a huge impact on the rest of our values and goals. Pre-engaged couples might want to consider questions like: How do we view money topics like salary, saving, spending, and investing? What comes to mind when I think about money? Does it feel stressful, exciting, like something I don’t want to think about at all, or something else? How do finances play into our shared values as a couple?
2) It helps you both set expectations for the future and align your values and goals in general.
It’s so important for each partner’s values and goals to have an equitable amount of space and consideration in the relationship. Perhaps, one partner values the ability to live abroad and the other values building a stable home-base. Therapy can help couples find these areas of (often unspoken!) expectations and align their values.
One initial part of therapy that can be really beneficial is to assess the values that each partner believes are essential to their specific partnership and make room for the values that might be surprising to one or both partners.
3) It fosters healthy communication and conflict management skills
Going to counseling/therapy can be a safe container that can help improve a couple’s ability to communicate with one another and effectively voice their needs, wants, and desires. Couples therapy at this stage can also help you solidify healthy communication and conflict management skills now, before some of the inevitable stressors of life together arise.
Common Methods of Therapy for New(er) Relationships
The Gottman Method, developed by Dr. John and Julie Gottman, is a method of relationship therapy that helps couples build resources and tools for communication, intimacy, and future planning. Gottman Therapy begins with an assessment process that helps inform the therapeutic framework and intervention for counseling.
Areas The Gottman Method focuses on:
Disarming conflicting verbal communication
Increasing intimacy
Respect and affection
Removing barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy
Creating a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship
Steps To Consider If This Blog Aligns With You
Before a couple decides to take this milestone step of getting married, it may be extremely beneficial to undergo “pre-engagement” counseling. If you’re thinking about getting engaged, have you thought about going to counseling or are you already in it? We’d love to hear your thoughts!
If you’re looking for a couples counselor in the Denver area, the therapists at CZ Therapy Group are here to support you! We offer sessions in-person at our South Pearl Street office and online throughout Colorado. Learn more about relationship therapy with us here or contact us to connect with a couples counselor on our team!