Grief, Depression, or Both? With A Personal Reflection from a Denver Grief Therapist
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Therapist in Denver, CO.
The immediate obstacle I encountered when beginning to write this article was language surrounding death itself. I have found that words and phrases we use to articulate feelings about loss are often clunky, elusive, stiff, or non-authentic. The essence of what I mean to say is: My grandmother, one of the most important people in my life, passed away on March 11 of 2022, and March 11th of this year I….. recognized her passing? Commemorated the anniversary of her death? Celebrated her life? Reflected on our shared lives? None of these descriptions feel adequately encompassing of a day that was simultaneously surreal, introspective, avoidant, heavy, still, morose, clarifying, and overwhelmingly normal.
I’m including this personal anecdote not because I believe I am an expert on grief, or any of my reflections introduce a new perspective about loss. I share largely because I hope anyone- potential client at CZTG or not- who comes across this article and holds the following questions and thoughts that I experienced on Monday recognizes they are not alone:
I wish I had more of a “sign” that you were okay, your soul/being is somehow still able to communicate in this world, that you hear/see/feel me reaching out to you
Is it selfish to ask things of the dead?
What does time actually heal?
I feel weird talking to you out loud and feel ashamed subsequently for even caring about how I am perceived.
I wish I remembered your laugh, smell, voice better.
How is it that I want to be surrounded by people and utterly by myself when I am sad at the same time?
If I feel this way about your absence, how am I possibly going to cope when I lose… (Mom, Dad, sibling, friend, partner, etc).
I am so grateful you gave me the gift of unconditional love. I miss that every day.
Do you have the power to make this part of my life easier? Can you even see this part of my life?
I think I hear your voice, or is that my own thoughts channeling you?
Can you feel when I am thinking of you?
Wherever you are, I hope you are happy.
I wish my partner and friends could borrow my mind to see all the memories, phone calls, texts and letters we shared to understand how you have shaped my being.
When grief turns from a sharp, knife-like feeling to a dull ache, is that as good as it gets?
Much of what I offered above holds a tone of uncertainty, and a desire for more. In the years since she has been gone, my metaphors for grief have changed: a knife, a hole, white noise, etc. Now it seems more like an open mouth that I have learned to nourish on some days, and a mouth that bites me on other days. To speak to what has helped ease the deepest pain, I name:
Creating a ritual that leaves room for sadness but also reminds me of her truest qualities (I sit outside, light a candle, smoke her favorite brand of cigarettes, and drink Diet Pepsi while listening to The Chicks).
Giving myself permission to simply be with sadness at times and not feel forced to endow it with meaning or create something (i.e. passing on the ritual mentioned above if it feels like too much, passing on writing a journal entry or doing a reflective meditation).
Cry. Stifling it just makes the fatigue worse.
Finding people who can share in sadness or happy memories without silver-lining it; people who say Tell me more or offer a hug instead of “She’s in a better place now”.
Learning to discern between times where I can and should engage in healthy distractions and times when life does need to be put on pause or slowed if possible.
Journaling, mentally noting, or calling other people when joyful memories arise as often as journaling, mentally noting, or calling others when sadness arises.
Grief versus Major Depression
At CZ Therapy Group, our Denver therapists do not diagnose clients for a variety of reasons, though a primary one is that a diagnostic code does not alter how we conceptualize and address client pain. Each individual’s story is understood through a trauma-informed lens and therefore, differentiating between grief and depression does not lend to a largely altered therapeutic experience. However, sometimes there can be relief in distinguishing between the source of and feelings associated with different types of sadness, so below is a chart that characterizes both:
Shared Features of Grief and Depression:
Depressed, tearful, sad, irritable mood most of the day
Diminished or decreased interest in social engagement or activities
Alterations in appetite, weight, and sleep patterns
“Brain fog” or difficulty making decisions and concentrating
Negative impact on ability to be present in relationships, work, or for tasks of daily living
Differentiating Features of Grief and Depression:
Pain in grief is often interrupted or co-occurring with positive memories of the deceased, while one’s negative mood in depression is more static
Depression often challenges, erodes, and minimizes one’s sense of self-worth and can be associated with hopelessness while in grief self-esteem largely remains intact
The onset of grief symptoms most commonly begin following one’s passing, while the onset of depression can be less causal.
Explore Grief Therapy in Denver, CO.
Do you recognize your self in any of the reflections shared above? Connect with a Denver therapist at CZTG today to explore grief, depression, loss and healing in a deeply relational way.
Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if Denver therapy at CZTG is right for you.
Connect with the Denver therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin your path towards healing!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Grief and Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver EMDR therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.