Affair Fog Part Two: “My partner cheated on me. How do I move forward?”
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Trauma Therapist and Relationship Counselor
Welcome to part two of our ‘Affair Fog’ series. In this blog, we will be exploring the trauma that stems from affairs and various avenues of support for people who have been cheated on. If this resonates with you, be sure to check out part one of our Affair Fog series as well:
Affair Fog Part One: “My partner had an affair and seems like an entirely different person. Why?”
Affair Fog Part Three: “I cheated on my partner and don’t know why. What do I do now?”
Trauma is defined in many ways, and one of its characterizations is something that profoundly disrupts our sense of psychological safety and well-being. Our relationships with core people in our lives- partners, family members, friends, and mentors- fulfill our desires for validation, reassurance, companionship, and much more.
Romantic partners play a specific and significant role as those who feed our needs for physical and emotional intimacy. Besides our emotions (and perhaps because of our emotions), we also invest many resources into our romantic partners: time, money, and physical space. All this being said, partners contribute profoundly to our sense of self and health, and when we experience a betrayal trauma such as infidelity, it can be devastating.
How can we begin to make sense of our lives and of our partner’s decisions? Trauma therapy in Denver, CO focused on supporting people who have been cheated on is one path, and below we will map out common themes explored in therapy for those who have experienced betrayal.
Moving Forward After Being Cheated On
Three Themes in Therapy for People Who Have Been Cheated On
Theme 1: Resource Building and Melting Shame
Whether one chooses to remain in a relationship or leave once infidelity has been exposed, many foundations of life are put under the microscope due to violation of trust. Common renegotiation themes include: privacy, communication expectations, social media conduct, divvying of funds and other resources, access to children, sexual engagement, and more. Shock and other painful emotions that an affair elicits can inhibit our ability to think, plan, and prioritize; your therapist can lend a hand in helping you organize new norms surrounding basic needs (like money and lodging) as well as emotional needs at each stage of reconciliation or transition out of the relationship.
For many, though not all, shame or an impaired sense of self-worth is a consequence of infidelity. If they could do this, that must mean I am worthless, not enough, not valuable, too needy, stupid, etc. Your therapist plays a helpful role in offering the forest versus the trees perspective: guiding movement towards reallocation of accountability and assuming ownership of feelings of hurt instead of feelings that blame or minimize your experience.
Theme 2: Why did they do this? How could they do this to me? Introducing Affair Fog
Affair Fog describes an unfaithful partner’s altered state of mind while involved in an affair. Essentially, our partner becomes fundamentally different and unrecognizable in some way, be it a change in beliefs, emotional expression, core values, or daily habits. Our partner may appear more connected and present in the relationship than usual, or the inverse: detached where they have formally been feeling, checked out where they have formally been present. While affair fog refers to the mind state and behaviors of an unfaithful partner, “fog” is also an appropriate metaphor for how many of us feel while our partner is involved in an affair: dazed, confused, lost, and lacking clear-headedness or a sense of what’s “normal”.
What affair fog is not: An excuse for the pain invoked by a partner’s betrayal. Unfaithful partners sometimes describe their experience within affair fog as being “out of body”, or like “someone or something else took over”. While involvement in an affair can alter physiological, mental and emotional states drastically, affair fog is not a medical or psychological condition with a diagnosis and does not impair someone’s objective perception of reality.
Our therapists, who specialize in trauma therapy in Denver, CO, resonate with the concept of affair fog because it validates the intuitive and observational knowing of the wounded partner. Unfaithful partners may reiterate their commitment to the relationship or discredit anxieties of the other person to preserve their sense of wellbeing. This can impact the wounded partner by making them feel gaslit, overly cautious, assuming, or naïve. Receiving affirmation for changes you noticed as a wounded partner from someone outside the relationship is central to reestablishing trust in your perspective.
Theme 3: Reconnecting with and Strengthening the Individual Self
Many identities we hold are uniquely and individually our own, such as a spiritual identity, racial identity, sexual identity, or gender identity. However, other identities we hold are built in relationship to others (i.e. we are a sister to our brother, a mother to our daughter, a teacher to our student). Experiencing infidelity can sever a joint relationship we have held with a partner, be it a marriage or a long-term relationship. Losing that shared shelter can feel deeply isolating, unfamiliar, and daunting, even if we have many other supports in our life. Your Denver trauma therapist will explore with you the significance of sharing a joint relationship with your partner, as well as the impact of the loss or change of it upon your worldviews on intimacy, trust, self-esteem, and more. Your trauma therapist will also facilitate reorientation to your core values, needs, and desires that may have been lost within or denied by the affair- recentering these things reaffirms our capacity to be self-sufficient and instills hope and confidence for what we want to give and receive in future relationships.
Healing After Infidelity: Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
If you are navigating the wounds of infidelity and feel ready to seek support, reach out to explore Denver trauma therapy as a potential avenue towards healing. Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin healing through Denver trauma therapy.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR therapy in Denver, CO, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver, CO and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.