Affair Fog Part Three: "I cheated on my partner and don’t know why. What do I do now?"
By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Denver Trauma Therapist and Couples Counselor
Welcome to the final part of our Affair Fog series. In part two, we explored the impact of infidelity, the definition of affair fog, and how therapy is utilized to help heal betrayal wounds. In this post, we want to illuminate the other impacted partner: the individual who has stepped outside the relationship. We will revisit affair fog and how it perpetuates conditions that support infidelity, and how therapy can facilitate discovery of the Whys that may underlie the foundation of the betrayal.
Explore the rest of the affair fog series:
Understanding Affair Fog
Affair Fog describes the state of mind we are enveloped within in as an affair occurs. The outside relationship promotes and sustains emotional, mental, and physical changes that reinforce our return to the outside relationship time and time again, even if guilt, anxiety, or other deterrents arise.
Being within an affair is often held akin to a state of intoxication: it makes us feel good, we “can’t stop”, we “want more”, and it’s an “out of body” experience. When we are with that partner external to the relationship (or even thinking about them), our minds and bodies experience a state of craving that can alter our ability to be present and function as we typically do in our roles at work, as a friend, and as a partner. Therefore, we may feel unrecognizable or different to loved ones and even ourselves as we experience affair fog.
Affair Fog is a psychological phenomenon, but its rapture does have physiological underpinnings. Arousal, love, ecstasy, novelty and exhilaration are all emotional states that are associated with increases in the mood-enhancing neurotransmitters of dopamine and norepinephrine. In high levels, these neurotransmitters can mimic highs similar to morphine, which creates the craving-seeking-high-release cycle found within addiction as well as affairs. We can also experience psychological and mental “highs” within an affair: this external partner often fulfills needs and wants absent in a primary relationship. When attachment needs are met, we experience greater states of well-being and typically, higher self-esteem.
Common Reasons for Affairs
The reasons why we pursue the relationships we do are inherently complex and are not standardized person to person. Why betrayal occurs is also a nuanced question and deeply varies across relationships. However, there are a few reoccurring themes seen by our Denver trauma therapists and relationship counselors when seeing clients seeking affair healing that we will detail below.
Emotional fulfillment:
All humans need safety, acceptance, love, and a sense of belonging to thrive. As young ones we depend upon our caretakers to provide these emotional nutrients, and as we age, we tend to rely upon friends and intimate partners to offer us these needs to a greater extent. Experiencing a lack of any of these needs above can create a sense of emotional isolation and hunger associated with anxiety, depression, and illness. If change cannot be created within our existing relationships to accommodate these needs, we may be compelled to seek outside relationships to fill these necessary gaps.
Physical fulfillment:
The signifance of physical intimacy and one’s “sex drive” is individually defined, though all people experience sexual desires across their lifetime due to evolutionary principles. Physical intimacy is not only associated with bodily pleasure, but mental and emotional benefits like stress reduction and increased closeness with another. Sexual deprivation can create bodily tension, increases of anxiety and irritability, as well as emotional distancing from our primary partner. External partners who meet our physical desires can alleviate somatic cravings as well as enhance our self-concept.
Need for a break:
Chronic levels of high stress keep our fight or flight systems on permanent alert and operate status, thus making it feel like we can never “wind down”. Whether our stress arises from conflict with our current partner, or simply high levels of responsibility in our shared and individual lives, we often turn to affairs as safe havens from the world of expectations. Affairs may be the only place it seems we can “turn off” and experience ourselves as a free, curious, and feeling being.
Values compatibility:
Social psychologists have discovered that generally speaking, like seeks like. Meaning, we are drawn to others and tend to feel more at ease with others who are similar to us, be it cultural identities or shared interests. The more we share with an individual, the more we feel seen, heard, and understood. If we do not feel many common threads between ourselves and our current partners, this sense of distance and difference can drive us to find shared ground with an external partner.
Modeling:
Many of us have grown up in homes or social cultures where infidelity has been normalized or destigmatized. If it has occurred, it may have been swept under the rug or highly defended. Internalizing these associations when we are at a critical point in development can unconsciously influence how we act in adult relationships, even if we currently consciously align with commitment/monogamy.
The Role of Trauma Therapy in Healing After Cheating
The therapists at CZ Therapy Group provide trauma therapy in Denver, CO using a model called Accelerated Experiential Psychodynamic Therapy (AEDP). One of AEDP’s core premises is that our early emotional experiences and the challenges of daily life hardwire many of us to avoid emotions that feel threatening. The ways in which we avoid emotions through behaviors or internal processes are our “protections”, noted below in the left corner of the ‘Change Triangle’. Though we experience short term relief from emotional avoidance, it denies our needs from being met and our authentic self from arriving which creates guilt, anxiety and shame (inhibitory emotions in the right corner of the triangle).
If the ‘Change Triangle’ model resonates with you, be sure to explore our previous blog: Facilitating Trauma Healing Through AEDP Therapy and The Change Triangle.
An AEDP trauma therapist’s goal is to safely guide a client into experiences of core emotions such as sadness, disgust, anger, and joy that have previously been denied by others, ourselves, or our cultures. When we can learn to tolerate and non-reactively experience these core emotions, we have access to our open-hearted authentic self: aka, a self-compassionate, regulated being capable of seeing themselves, the world, and others with equanimity, acceptance, and control.
The reasons why we seek affairs mentioned above may or may not be overtly known to us. Regardless of our level of insight, trauma therapy in Denver, CO gives us a non-shaming exploratory space to identify the ways we avoid emotional discomfort through affairs, and the underlying deeper emotions and needs that drive our exit from our relationship. Therapy can also facilitate other healing processes, like disclosure of infidelity if it has not already occurred, or introducing apologies and calls to action to our betrayed partner.
Therapy For People Who Have Cheated: Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
If you’re ready to seek support, reach out to connect with a CZTG therapist today to begin a non-shaming path to insight, growth, and reconnection. Follow these three steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call.
Connect with a Denver trauma therapist at CZTG for your first session.
Begin your path towards healing and growth.
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver trauma therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR therapy in Denver, CO, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver, CO and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.