Why You Don’t Know Much About Your Therapist — Understanding Self Disclosure
By Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist and Couples Counselor in Denver, CO
The Therapeutic Equation
All relationships we are part of require the question of What can I appropriately expect from the other? to be asked.
The degree of engagement and services we demand from our barista differs from what we ask of our teachers, our siblings, our friends, our coworkers, our partners. The deeper our connection, the likelier we are to be vulnerable about our desires, fears, and needs, in turn stimulating reciprocal vulnerability from the other*
(*in a perfect world!)
My vulnerability + Your vulnerability = capacity for growth, safety, and connectedness
Insert the relationship with your therapist into this equation, and we encounter a perplexing dilemma:
My vulnerability + ______ = capacity for growth, safety, and connectedness
How can I achieve the wellbeing and healing that therapy promises without my therapist offering their own vulnerability in return?
Or more simply put: How is it fair my therapist expects me to be “real” without me knowing the “real” them?
My answer as a therapist is two-fold:
By conventional relationship standards, what is revealed by you versus us is imbalanced. The sense of unfairness is totally justified, and a common wondering in the therapeutic relationship of many clients.
There is a reason why therapists limit what they share about themselves and one of the great ironies of therapeutic work: often the less you know about us, the greater opportunity you have to explore and know yourself.
Defining Self-Disclosure
Self-disclosure refers to how much and what a therapist shares with a client about their personal life, varying from their marital status, religious beliefs, favorite ice cream, traumatic experiences, etc. Some therapeutic orientations promote more self-disclosure than others, but the general consensus among therapists today is to find that sweet spot between being “opaque” and “showing nothing” (as Freud suggested) and being the chatty neighbor whom you unfortunately know every detail about.
Shouldn’t I Know More to Grow More?
If increased emotional transparency is promoted to enhance other relationships, why is it not necessarily indicated in the therapeutic relationship?
I was taught in graduate school to self-disclose selectively, timely, and only if it furthers the goals of the client. Therapy provides a space for us to untangle our unmet needs, explore injustices against us and ones we have committed, take accountability and dismiss it, dream and put other dreams to rest. If a therapist inserts too much of themselves in the room during this process, the client is not allowed to fully steer their own growth process, and therapy above all should be a realm of total autonomy.
So What If I’m Not in the Driver’s Seat?
Consider improper therapist self-disclosure like the following scenario: You are blindfolded then told to guess the flavor of the candy you are holding. Just as you are about to eat it, the non-blindfolded person muses, “It sure smells like strawberries in here…”. While you still have the ability to taste the candy for yourself, your impressions of what it could be have been swayed by another’s opinion.
Potential Other Problems With Self-Disclosure
Your therapist’s disclosure leads you to believe you are wrong
i.e. You share you have been sexually assaulted but did not report it, and your therapist shares they have also been assaulted but reported it and feel it was the best decision they have made.
Your therapist’s disclosure prematurely prevents the relationship from developing
i.e. Your therapist discloses they are an atheist and you are a devout Catholic. Now that you know they do not believe in God, you fear your core values are staunchly different and you cannot connect meaningfully.
If you and your therapist share experiences, you may assume that your future will or should mirror your therapist’s
i.e. Your therapist shares that after their divorce, they took a year off from work to travel and ‘healed tremendously’. You wonder if traveling is what you need but feel shameful knowing that financially isn’t feasible.
Your therapist’s disclosure may feel as if it is taking up more space than your experience
i.e. You gather the courage to talk about your brother’s suicide attempt. Your therapist responds with, “I remember when my sister died by suicide..” and you feel as if your experience ‘wasn’t that bad after all if this is what they went through’.
While all therapists have the right to control what they divulge and when, it is also within the client’s rights to talk about how knowing little or much about their therapist impacts the relationship. Expressing to your therapist how you feel about the relationship is often a growing experience in itself, and can lead to further understanding about the significance of vulnerability, openness, and trust within your own life.
About The Writer
Meet Jordan, a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.
Get to know Jordan’s work as a Denver trauma and relationship therapist or reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult with her if you’d like to explore beginning therapy with her.