Just Tell Me Already - Or Don't
By Jordan Kurtz, Trauma and Relationship Therapist
Admit it: there is some degree of appeal to horoscopes. Whether your interest stems from pure amusement and/or a subsequent desire to mock them- or whether horoscopes are a meaningful source of insight and some part of your spiritual practice- the intersectional appeal lies in their ability to predict or tell. Today is a 7. Despite your inclination to serve Cancer, prioritize household tasks and an orderly atmosphere to cultivate peace. Permission to procrastinate work granted.
We crave free will, and keenly feel its effects when it is taken away (i.e. cue the dread when you are assigned to a group project with a notorious procrastinator, frustration at sharing a car when your partner crashes the other, etc) but there is comfort in being told what to expect or do as well. When we heed someone else’s advice and it goes well, we pat ourselves on the back for listening correctly. When it goes south, oh well, because it was their opinion and not our own.
Where does therapy fit inside this balance between wanting freedom and answers?
Spoiler alert: rarely, if ever, will you be told definitively what to do by your therapist.
What? Why? Isn’t that what we pay you for? Why you paid to be trained?
Clients- and therapists- both must reckon with the fact that therapy is more about exploration than destination, curiosity versus right/wrong, and feeling versus doing.
We often come to therapy (or become therapists) with the initial goal of finding resolution: How do I get over the loss of my mother? My divorce? How will I know whether this job is right for me or not? I need ways to help my narcissistic friend listen to me better.
Yet from the other side of the chair, we recognize that the goal of resolution becomes more transparent with time, and the goal for relief or connectedness takes its place: How do I fill the void of a person who loved me unconditionally? Can I learn to tolerate a job I do not love but facilitates my other interests? Can I sustain a relationship with a person who does not make me feel heard?
The challenge and beauty of therapy is found in revising and navigating these questions together and elevating your conclusions when you have attained them- not when we place them in your lap.
Therapist and author Lori Gottlieb writes, “Being silent is like emptying the trash. When you stop tossing junk into the void, something important rises to the surface.” When you ask for answers and therapists offer them, both parties are denied the opportunity to see what desires, exasperations, and pains lurk beneath the surface. Our society is primed for immediate gratification, and therapy is a last remaining stronghold for healing that is not one text, prescription, or witty self-help mantra away.
Your therapist not answering you does not reflect they do not care, do not hold an opinion themselves (we typically always do), or do not know what to do or say (it happens!)
Rather, our silence signifies we are invested in your authoring of your life, with suggestions for plot twists, character additions and subtractions, and theme building from us as co-authors.
Meet the Writer
Jordan (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.
Interested in exploring what it would be like to start therapy and resonate with Jordan’s approach? Reach out for a free consult with Jordan to learn more about her work as a trauma therapist and relationship counselor in Denver, Colorado.