When Injustice Strikes, Resilience Conquers: An Interview Chronicling an Individual’s Experience with a Hate Crime and Implications for Identity, Hope, and Support
An anonymous interview conducted by Jordan Kurtz (she/her), Trauma and Relationship Therapist
Sensitivity Warning: This anonymous interview contains excerpts of dialogue that include LGBTQIA+ slurs. These slanderous words do not mirror the philosophies, language, or worldview of the interviewer, interviewee, or CZ Therapy Group as a whole. LGBTQIA+ crisis support and hate crime reporting resources are included at the conclusion of this interview.
Though we know prejudice and discrimination exists, it often lives and breathes behind a film: we know its contours, shapes, and dangers, but may have been spared from experiencing it directly. Depending on our degree of privilege and sheer circumstance, our exposure to discrimination differs. Below I conduct an interview with a dear, bold, and lifelong friend about his recent experience of victimization in California to bring the reality of discrimination to light, as well as the strength of those who endure it.
The Interview
Jordan Kurtz (JK): It feels important to centralize the genesis of you coming into your sexual identity before exploring how this hateful encounter impacted it. How would you describe your coming out experience, and how do you feel your life has shifted since?
My coming out experience was almost entirely positive - in terms of my community’s response. There was universal warmth & support. Not to say I was not petrified, because I vividly recall being riddled with fear & anxiety before I hit send on my Twitter post. I wanted everyone to know all at once. The one 'coming out' conversation I had prior (with my 2 best friends) was exhausting as is. The weeks after felt numb (not in a negative way). I had intentionally planned it to allow myself the summer to decompress and process my decision. The chronic pain of hiding myself was subsiding, and I was literally blossoming like a flower does. Come senior year of high school, I was light, I was happy, I was confident, all the above. It felt like my life had started and from there, I began making up for lost time.
JK: Since coming out in high-school, you have spent many adult years in Los Angeles. What is life like as a cis-gay man in Los Angeles? Consider safety, going out culture, dating culture, social expectations, etc.
Being gay in Los Angeles is exhausting to be honest. There's a lot of pressure here - to party, to dress nice, to be funny, to have an aesthetic Instagram, list goes on. I'm also someone who gravitates towards relationships and with hookup culture, it's hard to find someone I'd trust. Boundaries are loose with most people. I know there's good men out there who know how to commit, but it's a rare find.
JK: In addition to the pressures you just spoke about, you have also named a lack of need to consider your sexual identity in the world at large because the LA culture is generally accepting. To whatever degree you feel comfortable, describe what happened in Mammoth- and how that diverged sharply from the sense of safety you had previously felt in LA. What emotions, thoughts, and responses came up?
I was in an argument with my boyfriend and noticed ice chunks being thrown at us. I alerted him mid-conversation, but he seemed to believe they were "just playing" as they were clearly teenagers/young kids. The ice-throwing continued, now accompanied by slurs & insults. I recall "fag" and "gay". Now we both realized the truth of what was going on (keep in mind it was very late at night, so not many people around). That's when I got very angry. I stormed towards the group of kids essentially dishing it right back. I probably could've chosen to walk away and spare my energy, but I needed these awful kids to understand that their actions were unacceptable. The one individual that was throwing the ice was who I approached first, his comrades scattered behind him (about 20 yards) essentially laughing at my fury. That's when I realized they were going to use their numbers to threaten me. And that's when my fear kicked in. My boyfriend made the decision to coerce me back into the bar that we were at because again, we weren't sure what this group of kids was capable of. They mentioned having knives, and god knows what else. So we removed ourselves from the situation, and then I found myself sobbing at a picnic table behind the bar we found refuge in, feeling small & and simultaneously furious. I had never experienced hate to that nature. Nor did I think kids were capable of such evil.
JK: Each time I hear this story I am sick to my stomach. I am curious if this encounter changes how you perceive your gay identity? Your safety? Of how you present yourself and engage in the world?
Next few days I felt off. I was hyper conscious of my voice because I was certain the way these kids knew that I was gay was based on the sound of my voice. It's an insecurity that I will probably always have. I find myself dulling my tone in scenarios where I feel that my gayness will be frowned upon and potentially discriminated against. If that's my biggest problem being gay, I guess I have it pretty good.
JK: When tragedies like this occur, how do you want to be supported by loved ones? The LGBTQ community? Allies?
In that scenario, comfort is what matters most, no need for solutions. Our friend at the time (straight man) did actually come outside the bar and essentially tell these kids off, which is probably what killed the situation. This is a hard question - because there's really only so much others can do to combat deeply rooted prejudices.
JK: Do you have a message you want to share for the perpetrators?
Part of me would want to tell them off again, and part of me doesn't feel like it deserves my attention or energy. I'd probably tell them to take a look in the mirror and ask themselves if they want to put kindness into this world, or hate and anger.
JK: Is there anything else that you want to share about you or your experience that I haven't asked?
Loving and even liking my gay identity took SO much time. It's such a fragile process. 10 steps back comes easy, 1 step forward takes eons. I've been VERY lucky to grow up with loving parents, family and friends. I cannot fathom what this process would be like in an unsupportive environment.
Resources
If you or a loved one have been impacted by a hate crime, please know that you don’t have to be in it alone. Connect with loved ones and seek therapy and/or other healing support from providers trained in trauma-informed and anti-oppressive practices.
Need to report a hate crime? You can do so here.
Plfag: crisis and general support for LGBTQ identifying folkx and allies
Community United Against Violence: “CUAV supports the healing of LGBTQ+ people that have experienced violence and abuse by other people and/or institutions.”
Seeking affirming trauma therapy for identity-based trauma? Reach out to connect with a queer or LGBTQ+ allied therapist at CZ Therapy Group.
