Combating Body Dysmorphia in a Digital Age: An Interview with Jordan Kurtz on how to Achieve Radical Self-Acceptance
Jordan Kurtz (She/Her) is an empowering therapist who specializes in trauma therapy for adolescents, adults and couples. She offers her clients the chance to recover and regain their power as she compassionately leads them through focused and insightful work. In this interview, we discuss her perspectives on radical self-acceptance as well as the particular challenges we have while attempting to achieve body neutrality in the digital era.
The Interview
1. Introduce yourself and explain why this topic is important to you?
Hey everyone, my name is Jordan (she/her) and I want to begin by thanking our team for centralizing body dysmorphia and self-acceptance as exploration topics. They feel like conversations that are gaining more traction and curiosity but lacking answers that have depth or honesty; I hope that my voice brings at least a degree of that. In light of honesty, I want to name that I exist in a smaller body and come from a family with a history of eating disorders so my understanding of body dysmorphia is informed by privilege and personal experience that may diverge from many. Differences in identity aside, body dysmorphia is important because we all have bodies. This reality unifies all of us but platforms to talk about our relationships with our bodies in meaningful ways are scarce. I hope that our culture can move to a more collectivistic approach to body talk, and insecurities and pathways to acceptance can both be heard.
2. In your experience what causes body dysmorphia the most?
My answers to this are scattered across the interview but demand repetition: communities we involve ourselves in, our role models, isolation or lack thereof, and unrealistic “societal norms”. In my own life, I saw all these aforementioned pieces unfold in the most unhealthy way when I was in college in the south- acceptance from others (women in particular) felt contingent on fitting a specific mold, and those pressures were intensified because I didn’t have a community of friends yet. Finding people and places that reminded me I was acceptable as I am, was most healing, and I think the same can be said of anyone struggling with body related pressures.
3. How does social media impact the way people see their bodies?
Social media can offer us mirrors or silos. There’s empowerment, reassurance, and solidarity seeing a post with someone who looks like us: we do not know them but have a greater understanding of what it means to physically walk in their shoes. Alternatively, social media constricts the variety of body sizes, genders, expression, etc we see and reality becomes myopic: we begin to think I am really the only one who who looks/acts/feels this way. Isolation strikes me as one of the greatest feeders of dysmorphia, and social media can be a buffer to that or a catalyst depending on how it is used.
4. What advice would you give to someone who has trauma related to their body and people judging their appearance?
Healing and acceptance can be held by another person before you hold it yourself. Sometimes it does not feel possible or safe to show compassion to ourselves when we have experiences that denied it or continue to deny it. Finding a relationship with a therapist, a friend, a family member, an acquaintance who can say “I see your trauma and I see you” reminds us we are whole. Connection undoes aloneness that trauma and judgment creates.
5. Can you give advice to someone who is experiencing body issues related to transness and not fitting into gender norms?
For this question Jordan graciously referred to her peer and colleague Mckenzie Wilson (she/they) to give a detailed answer
Mckenzie Wilson: “The core of many body image issues stems from a desire or request that we look a certain way. While many trans and non-binary identifiers already struggle with sounding or acting a certain way to 'fit in' or even feel safe, our queerness also presents a powerful opportunity in the body image realm. Centuries of expectations and ridicule have powered, chiseled and secured 'bodily perfection' for cis men and women, but we are just now creating our own statue of beauty. Being genderqueer allows us to break through the mold and start anew.”
6. What is the best way to counter negative body image thoughts?
Bringing conscious attention to the process can sometimes disrupt it. Negative self-talk is mindless and instantaneous for so many of us, and dissecting negativity begins with slowing it. This could begin by noting what triggers negative thoughts, when, with whom, what activities, etc. Then pay attention to the language you are using and what message it is attached to (i.e. a glance in the mirror yields, “I am so disgusting”). The challenging part comes with creating distance between your conscious/wise voice and the critical voice. Some things I have done personally and discovered with clients are:
Physically calling or mentally calling in a compassionate friend to ask, What would they tell me to believe instead right now?
Verbalizing aloud or mentally, “I am having the thought right now _____. What thought will move me through my day with greater truth or purpose?”
Time your negative self-talk. Whether you allot yourself a brief interval of time to observe the thoughts as they flow or you are tracking how long they last, interweaving time into negative self-talk loops can minimize our likelihood of indulging it as it takes away a precious resource.
Put reminders for self-compassion in triggering places. Sticky notes on mirrors, in closets, reminders in your phone prior to meetings, etc can soften negative thoughts when they arise.
7. How can parents assist their children in developing a positive body image from an early age?
Children develop internal constructs like self-esteem by looking externally. Young children also often assume responsibility for things they cannot understand (i.e. Mom and Dad are fighting, it must be because of me). Considering these things, parents can begin by reflecting on how they treat their bodies and speak about bodies and what this imparts to their children. Other thoughts include:
Normalize body changes as they occur (body hair, weight gain/loss, muscle tone, etc)
Celebrate exercise because it is a form of movement, not a way to achieve a specific body type
Offer non-contingent praise (i.e. “You are so beautiful/strong/hard-working” versus “You are so beautiful because you have lost weight”; “I will be so proud when you gain 10 pounds”)
Limit negative body self-talk/behaviors around children (i.e. weighing yourself in front of them), but if it occurs, label it so children can understand the process with you (i.e. “Dad is having a tough time loving his body as it is today, but it will pass.”)
8. What would you suggest to someone who is attempting to move away from unhealthy body image behaviors?
I think we have to begin by acknowledging the difficulty of creating and maintaining a healthy body image in a capitalist society. Advertisements, social media, and businesses constantly promote an “ideal” image that is promised as attainable if we spend- in striving to define our own notion of a healthy body image we are actively fighting against a powerful and pervasive system, and that’s exhausting. Beyond acknowledgement, I would say starting by stepping away from whatever vacuum is encouraging body rejection. Is it our friend circle? The social media we digest? A family member? Our gym? A social club? Our places of connection sponsor spoken and unspoken rules, and that can include norms and expectations for appearance. Any space that does not embrace your body as it naturally exists is harmful. We can consider our own compass for action also. Often unhealthy body image behaviors are done in pursuit of a specific look or to stifle negative self-talk (i.e. binging and purging, over-exercising, etc). Identify what your core values are if you had a perfect relationship with your body, and cement those as factors that guide your actions. For example, if one of my core values is play, I may ask myself “Does skipping this concert to work out encourage my core value of play?”) The hope is to become the person who holds ourselves accountable for our actions in a gentler way.
9. How can we encourage body acceptance in our communities?
Body acceptance comes with curiosity about and normalization of body types and expressions that are not cisgender, able-bodied, small-bodied, or white. The more we break down the paradigms of gendered “strength” or “beauty”, the less pressure individuals will feel if they don’t reflect this illusory “perfect” body type on a societal pedestal. Acceptance and inclusivity go hand and hand too. I hope to see more spaces that traditionally attract or embrace the thin ideal prototype (i.e. yoga classes, non-chain retail stores, gyms, etc) become more explicit about all bodies being welcome. This can be done through language - like marketing that includes wording about all body and skill types welcome - and action - ADA accessible dressing rooms, increased sizing options, etc. Lastly, let’s harken back to a rule we probably heard in kindergarten: if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all. This principle should ring true for body talk as well: commenting on someone’s body (even if your intentions are well-meaning) can provoke discomfort and be triggering. Minimize discussion of bodies unless the other prompts it so you can honor their boundaries.
10. In your opinion, what is the most important factor in helping people to achieve radical self-acceptance?
This question is one I am seeking answers to myself and think I will be continuing to seek my entire life. That being said, a reframe that has helped me achieve greater acceptance at this point in time is a concept inspired by a branch of psychology called Gestalt. By definition, a gestalt is an organized whole that is deemed greater than the sum of individual parts. In the context of radical-acceptance, I interpret this concept as, “My value as a human being is greater than the relationship I hold with my individual insecurities on a daily basis”. Recognizing that we are complex beings with static intrinsic worth even as our abilities and perspectives evolve grounds me. On a practical level, this means recognizing parts of us we do not like or are uncomfortable with and equally acknowledging our strengths and parts of neutrality. Self-acceptance in my eyes feels more feasible and achievable if viewed as a non-judgemental balancing act.
About The Writer
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.
If you’d like to connect with Jordan to learn more about what it would be like to work together, feel free to reach out for a free consultation.