What to Expect from EFT Couples Therapy: Demystifying Relational Therapy with a Denver Couples Therapist
By Jordan Kurtz (she/her), MA, LPCC, Trauma and Relationship Therapist
Sharing life with a partner is a perpetual dance of risk and reward. We are physiologically gifted with “the happy” hormone of oxytocin, we can share one another’s stressors, chores, and triumphs, we see the best in ourselves through our partner’s affirmations or acts of gratitude, and our inner world of thoughts, emotions and dreams becomes enriched. All of these positives and more are constantly balanced by sacrifices and pains: the potential loss of time to attend to family, friends or hobbies, our partner misinterpreting our intentions, the assumption of our partner’s emotions as our own, and the knowledge that the ones who know us best can also hurt us best.
While conflict and disagreement deserve to be normalized and can often be resolved within partnerships with space and communication, there are times when an outside ear is needed.
When couples come to couples therapy, partners are typically experiencing extremes of absence or presence within their relationship.
In cases of absence, one or both partners feels a sense of disconnect. A partner is physically there but not emotionally there, someone does not feel seen or heard, and there’s a general sense of neglect and distance.
In cases of presence, one or both partners feel overwhelmed by their partner’s requests, criticisms, or demands, a partner may feel fearful expressing themselves to another due to their partner’s reactivity, and an air of anger or frustration seems to dominate day to day life.
Regardless of which conflict dynamic a couple is experiencing, it is likely both partners share a sense of isolation, powerlessness, and feel undervalued. When couples have utilized all communication and resolution tools available to them and still feel stuck, this is often when couples therapy enters the picture.
The Foundations of Denver Couples Counseling: Our Approach at CZ Therapy Group
I. Attachment Theory
To move through life with confidence, we need assurance from trusted others that they will be available to us in times of need. Baseline templates for how much we can rely on others are formed in childhood through the relationship we have with our primary caregivers.
If our caregivers support us when we are distressed and encourage us to succeed, we are likely to believe we can depend on ourselves as well as others to fulfill our needs.
If our caregivers were recurrently absent or alternated between being attentive and then becoming absent, our perception of the reliability of others is probably different.
If I learn as a child my caregiver is never there for me, I likely believe as an adult that I can only trust myself and allowing others to support me is not an option.
If my caregiver was only there for me at times, I may find myself leaning into available others very deeply as I fear that they will leave.
Through understanding of your childhood experiences, our team of Denver couples therapists will validate whatever strategies you utilized/currently utilize to get your needs met and help facilitate new, and more balanced ways of engaging with your partner to fulfill needs.
II. Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) uses attachment theory to help couples understand how their need-fulfillment strategy shows up in relationships as one of two positions: Pursuer or Withdrawer.
Pursuers perceive their partners as the primary solution to problems, and therefore are often the initiators of conversations about wants, desires, and needs to seek connection and reassurance from their partner. If their partner does not respond with enough engagement to make the Pursuer feel heard, they may respond with frustration, criticism, nagging or finger pointing to elicit further connection.
Withdrawers perceive themselves as solutions to problems. They often do not externalize concerns, hopes, wishes or emotions to their partners as they have learned through childhood experiences or their partner’s history of reactions that connecting with others is not safe. They internalize how they feel and are often regarded as absent, uncaring, or out of touch by their pursuing partners.
Each position triggers the other and leads to circular conflict patterns where both partners feel misunderstood and alone. The EFT couples therapists at CZ Therapy Group will help identify what positions partners undertake and reallocate blame to the cycle of conflict instead of individual partners. Removing shame from the equation helps partners unify and recognize conflict dynamics as the problem, not their loved one.
Breaking Down the Couples Therapy Experience
So what does couples therapy look like? In some respects, it really depends on the orientation of your therapist. For example, Gottman couples therapists are more tool-based and often prescribe clients “homework”. Because of the application of Emotion Focused Therapy at CZ Therapy Group, clients at our practice will not encounter such a task-oriented approach.
Rather, the emphasis is on identifying and catching the conflict pattern you and your partner fall into, unmasking the deeper emotions beneath and their associated needs, and helping you create new, healthy patterns of connection.
The First Four Sessions - EFT Couples Therapy in Denver, CO.
In the first couples therapy session at CZ Therapy Group, your therapist will walk you and your partner through a series of questions assessing the full scope of your relationship: strengths, when conflict originated, triggers for conflict, how you and your partner individually respond to conflict, and your hopes for the couples counseling process.
After the initial session, your therapist will hold one-time, individual sessions with you and your partner to learn about factors impacting your lived experience outside of your partner, such as family structure, attachment history, support systems, core values, and other identities. The information your therapist gathers in your individual session may be incorporated into couples session if you and your therapist deem it as relevant to your conflict cycle.
Ongoing Work in EFT Couples Therapy
Sessions from that point forward hold two key focuses: labeling and identifying components to the shared conflict cycle, including triggers, reactive emotions, and coping behaviors. Your therapist will empathically illuminate how your portion of the cycle interweaves with your partner’s own triggers, emotions and behaviors and vice versa. Partners will become comfortable recognizing patterns associated with conflict and in a regulated way, communicate their internal world to their partner when the cycle begins, thus preventing escalated conflict or shutdown.
When both partners feel confident catching their cycle unfold within and without the therapy room, your therapist will then help familiarize each person with vulnerable feelings underneath the reactionary emotion (i.e. I am frustrated on the surface but I am also feeling sad about my partner’s withdrawal) and what need the vulnerable emotion is associated with (i.e. When I feel sad, I need to be reminded I am enough). When partners can communicate from a place of vulnerability versus reactivity, empathy drives resolution.
Ready to Begin Couples Counseling in Denver, CO?
If EFT couples therapy in Denver, CO feels right for you, we would love to connect! Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if couples therapy is right for you
Connect with the Denver couples therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
Begin the process of healing and strengthening your relationship with Denver couples therapy!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Couples Counselor in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZ Therapy Group who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is trained in EMDR, EFT couples therapy, and other trauma and attachment-based methods of therapy. Her approach is entirely authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.