The Impact of Trauma on Our Relationships - How Trauma Focused Couples Therapy Can Help + an Exercise to Try at Home
Trauma and Relationships
It's no secret that trauma can have a profound impact on our lives. Especially within the context of our relationships. Trauma from past experiences such as abuse, neglect, or significant losses can have far-reaching effects. On our emotional well-being and ability to connect with others. When unresolved trauma is present within ourselves or our partners, it can also create invisible barriers that hinder the development of healthy experiences with love. Healing these traumas is key to breaking free. To embrace the fulfilling relationships we deserve.
But you don't have to figure this out alone. In this article, we will explore the effects of trauma on relationships. As well as delve into the transformative potential of trauma-focused couples therapy. But first, let's start with the basics:
What Triggers Relationship Trauma? - 5 Signs and Symptoms
Past trauma can affect our relationships in a myriad of ways. However, there are certain signs and behaviors we should keep an eye out for that may be indicators of trauma impacting your relationship. These may include:
Controlling behavior:
Past traumatic experiences such as abuse can subconsciously lead us to attempt to control our partner to ensure a feeling of safety.
Excessive control over one partner by the other, such as isolating them from friends and family, monitoring their activities, or making all decisions for them, can lead to a sense of powerlessness, which might cause significant distress in the relationship. Watch out for this, as it may be a sign that more support is needed.
Gaslighting:
Traumatic experiences, such as childhood neglect or other forms of mistreatment, can have a profound impact on an individual's ability to form healthy attachments. These experiences can lead to the development of coping mechanisms that can be harmful.
As a result, the partner with these experiences may resort to gaslighting as a means to maintain power within a relationship. Gaslighting might be a buzzword as of late. But it is a very manipulative tactic where one person undermines the other's perceptions of reality, causing confusion and self-doubt. And this is definitely something to watch out for.
Lack of boundaries:
Some individuals may have grown up in families where healthy boundaries were not respected or co-dependency was present. In such environments, personal boundaries may have been blurred, leading to difficulties in recognizing them in adult relationships.
If one partner consistently disregards the other's boundaries, whether they're related to personal space, privacy, or emotional needs, it can lead to feelings of violation and betrayal. This may be another sign to seek support. Couples therapy is a great space to determine and implement healthy boundaries. Boundaries that are supportive of each person in the relationship!
Constant criticism and nitpicking:
Individuals with insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious-preoccupied ones, may engage in nitpicking or criticism as a way to seek reassurance and get their attachment needs met (e.g. feeling seen, valued, or understood). When one partner constantly finds faults, nitpicks or criticizes the other, it can erode the other partner's self-esteem and trigger feelings of shame. Don't let this behavior go unchecked.
Withholding affection or love:
This is something that often comes up when dealing with attachment styles. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to have difficulty with intimacy. As well as fear vulnerability and may prioritize independence and self-reliance.
Consistently denying affection, love, or support, whether emotionally or physically, can create feelings of rejection and trigger trauma responses in our relationships. Let's learn how to show love in healthy and supportive ways together.
What Happens in Couples Therapy? - Exploring EFT
Couples therapy provides a dedicated space for couples to explore their relationship dynamics. To strengthen their bond, and address and identify challenges. In the context of trauma-focused couples therapy, the focus is on understanding the impact of trauma on the relationship. Creating a path toward healing and growth.
The sessions may involve open communication, active listening, and collaborative problem-solving. At Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group, we focus primarily on Emotion Focused Therapy, or EFT, to help us process our unresolved traumas together. Let’s explore further how EFT can help.
What is EFT Couples Therapy for Trauma?
Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. This approach has shown great effectiveness in trauma-focused couples therapy. Several studies published by the National Library of Medicine have shown that it is particularly effective in treating couples with unresolved trauma.
Why is that? Because essentially, EFT focuses on creating a safe and supportive environment. Where partners can explore and express their emotions, vulnerabilities, and needs. Our EFT couples therapists can help couples identify negative patterns, develop healthier communication styles, and foster emotional connection and security.
Couples often seek activities to engage in outside of couples therapy as well. One practical technique we recommend is the speaker-listener exercise.
A Communication Tool for Denver Couples: The Speaker-Listener Exercise
The Speaker-Listener Exercise is a valuable tool used in couples therapy. It promotes effective communication and understanding between partners. Especially when discussing sensitive or triggering topics related to trauma. This technique involves structured and respectful communication. With one partner speaking while the other actively listen without interrupting or criticizing. This can start to enhance empathy, validation, and emotional safety within the relationship.
How to Implement the Speaker-Listener Exercise
Start by using "I" statements when expressing our feelings and opinions. This helps keep the conversation focused on yourself rather than on the blame or criticism of your partner.
For example, instead of saying to your partner, "You never appreciate the things I do for you," you can try saying, "Sometimes I feel undervalued when the things I’ve done for you aren't acknowledged."
The listener is then encouraged to repeat the statement back to their partner. In a way that shows that they understand what the speaker is trying to communicate. This looks like a reflection that only includes what their partner shared. It does not include the listener’s own thoughts or feelings about what was shared.
We know this may sound simple on paper, but couples often find that this exercise brings up quite a few difficulties and wounds in practice. It can be hard to not interject with your own experience. Especially when your partners’ is counter to your own or triggers an emotional response in you. This is especially true for relationships that have been impacted by trauma.
With trauma-focused couples therapy, we can work together to not only identify what needs to be healed but also start to build a secure relationship based on trust and not trauma.
Tying It All Together: Trauma-Focused Couples Therapy in Denver, CO
Trauma can have a profound impact on relationships. Leading to difficulties in connecting, establishing trust, and communicating effectively. However, trauma-focused couples therapy, through the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can provide a ray of hope and a path toward healing.
In our couples therapy sessions, we create a safe and encouraging environment to examine our triggers, put Speaker-Listener techniques (and much more) into practice, and learn to love our partners for who they truly are rather than how our traumatic experiences have shaped our perception of them.
If you learned nothing else from this article, we encourage you to recognize your relationships and past experiences as profound journeys that are intricate parts of who you are. After all, understanding how to be a better partner is a journey; don't be afraid to take it one step at a time.
Reach out to Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group to learn more about how couples therapy can help you today.
Note: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or advice.
Ready to Start Trauma-Focused Couples Therapy in Denver, CO?
Are past traumas affecting your relationship and hindering your ability to connect? Take a transformative step towards healing and strengthening your bond by seeking couples therapy with a trauma-informed approach at CZTG. Begin navigating the complexities of your trauma, fostering understanding, and a renewed sense of closeness for a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
1. Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consult call at Chadley Zobolas Therapy Group.
2. Connect with a skilled couples therapist at CZTG for your first session.
3. Begin navigating your trauma and create a healthier relationship with your partner.