Grief 101 - A Holistic Breakdown of a Universal Experience
By: Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC + trained grief therapist
No matter our age, walk of life, or belief system, we have experienced or will experience grief at some point in our existence. As we grow, we forge relationships and bonds with individuals, animals, and institutions that give us joy, enable our growth, and provide sustenance. When we experience a severance of one of those sources of connection, whether anticipated or not, we are subject to grief.
What is grief?
An individual’s collection of physical, emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and spiritual responses to a loss.
No one I knew died, but I lost something or someone important to me and I am experiencing these symptoms. Does it still count as grief?
Yes! Grief is ultimately a constellation of reactions to a loss of any kind that is perceived as meaningful to an individual. While the symptoms that are described below may be most applicable or severe for someone who is processing the death of another, the loss of pets, a job, or an intimate relationship are examples of losses that often prompt a grief response and can be addressed in a similar way.
Grief vs. Mourning
Mourning is the outward expression of one’s grief response. While one’s grief is often internal, private, and invisible (i.e. sensations of loneliness and memories of the deceased), mourning is an external process that others are aware of and often involves action steps on behalf of the mourner (i.e. holding a memorial service).
What Does Grief Look Like and How Does It Feel?
Many assume that grief is a standardized experience for all that involves crying, wearing black, and hopelessness. While these are some common reactions to grief, they are not the only ones. Grief is multifaceted, dependent on a person’s experiences and relationship with the deceased, and follows no set paradigm. Note on the chart below that grief involves emotional shifts as well as changes in our world view and physical status quo.
Common Myths about Grief
The only emotion that is acceptable to feel and show is sadness.
Reality: Sadness is one of many emotions that grief elicits. Many are surprised to discover anger, relief, and confusion are also common responses to loss, and no emotion is more “right” or “wrong” than another unless that symptom begins to present disruption to functioning.
My grief will subside within one year.
Reality: Time does have the capacity to heal, though there is no specified time frame in which that occurs. Many report that days to weeks after the loss a sense of numbness prevails, while one month to six months after the loss is when deeper processing occurs. Your state of healing is dependent as much on your relationship with your loved one and support system as the hour- be kind to yourself while experiencing ups and downs.
Grief is only significant if it entails the loss of a spouse or family member.
Reality: As mentioned above, grief is a response to loss. Whoever or whatever you deem in your life as important can be mourned when it is lost, even if it is not an immediate family member or intimate partner. No one besides you has the right to determine the “legitimacy” of your loss.
Holding a funeral and packing up the belongings of the deceased within one week is proven to be most adaptive.
Reality: While personal preference, religious affiliation, or work limited bereavement leave may encourage one to hold a funeral service shortly after a loss, there is no conclusive evidence to suggest that this hastens healing. Because everyone grieves differently, loved ones, an intimate partner, or friends may have different expectations about the timing of a service or whether to hold a service at all; do not be afraid to heed your intuition about what feels best.
Making large life decisions immediately following the loss is recommended.
Reality: Grief clinicians and researchers suggest holding off on making major decisions- such as whether to move or quit one’s job- until a year after the loss. This is not to say that a year necessitates total healing, but to allow oneself a significant period of time to reassess life goals, priorities, and finances without the emotional and cognitive impairment of recent grief.
After a loss I should still celebrate holidays, anniversaries and shared traditions in the same way.
Reality: Some may find solace continuing to celebrate traditions as they did prior to the loss, while others need to find ways to amend celebrations or skip them altogether. Premeditated reflection on your emotional, physical and mental capacities prior to the holiday are recommended so you are not expected to run errands, entertain others, etc when the day arrives if you do not want to.
Coping Tips
Journal writing
Create a time and place to initiate a writing routine
Date every entry to help observe patterns, cycles, progress and change
Write without an agenda
Prompts: A special memory we share…, What I wish I had said…, What I’d like to ask you…., What I wish we had done…, What I’ve struggled most with…., The ways I will remember you…
Talk regularly with friends or loved ones
Physical exercise
Meditate
Visit the gravesite (or don’t)
Create a memory book
Light a candle at mealtime
Carry or wear a linking object
Create a memorial space within your home
Purchase something soft to sleep with
Donate possessions meaningfully
Give yourself permission to cry and laugh
Vent your anger instead of suppressing it
Create miniature goals for each day
Consider a support group
You Know You’re Beginning to Heal When…
Memories can elicit joy as well as sadness
You find yourself capable of standing beside someone else’s grief
You can accept that grief has downs as well as ups
You do not spend every waking minute of the day thinking of the loss
You can find contentment in an empty home
You experience re-immersion in old relationships and the desire to build new ones
You do not shame yourself for enjoying life
You discover ways to honor your loved one while experiencing the present
Further Resources
BOOKS:
Healing After Loss by Martha W. Hickman (daily devotional)
Grief Day by Day by Jan Warner (daily devotional)
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (memoir)
Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg
Before and After Loss: A Neurologist's Perspective on Loss, Grief, and Our Brain by Lisa Shulman
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Frances o’Connor
Websites
General
LOCAL
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for children
suicide
Heartbeat Survivors After Suicide
Pueblo Verse
Hold on to what is good
Even if it is a handful of Earth
Hold on to what you believe in even if
It is a tree that stands by itself
Hold on to what you must do
Even if it is a long way from here
Hold on to life even when it is
Easier letting go
Hold on to my hand even when
I have gone away from you.