Attachment 101: What We Need May Be Inside What Gives us Pain
By Jordan Kurtz (she/her) MA, LPCC
Discovering Your Core Attachment Needs
It is common knowledge that therapy is a safe space to explore what is causing us pain. Something that I have noticed- within myself and with clients – since I have become a trauma therapist in Denver is we often speak about painful things with shame. As if what is causing grief, anxiety, depression, substance use, body concerns, or relationship troubles is not enough, we all seem inclined to blanket these wounds with embarrassment or criticism. What does this sound like? Yes I lost my father three months ago, but I should be over it by now, or It’s cringey that I am a grown woman and still worry about what others think about my body, or It’s no wonder my wife cheated on me, there’s always been something wrong with me.
As a trauma therapist, one of my primary goals when clients arrive is granting permission for sadness, anger, and fear to exist on their own. Society, our families, friends, partners, and specific cultures we belong to often minimize or prevent emotions from being felt in the first place. The shame that is so often intermingled in our speech and thoughts when we experience pain is almost always an echo of shame we have heard from another source. At our practice, which specializes in trauma therapy in Denver, we allow your story to be told and emotions to be discovered, identified and prioritized over the internal and external criticism.
Another unique thing I have discovered as a Denver trauma therapist is how we attempt to rid ourselves of painful emotions often holds the keys to what our emotions really need. When we encounter something uncomfortable, we rarely greet it with open arms. Rather, as a form of survival, we develop coping mechanisms that mask or temporarily relieve that ick. On top of shaming emotions, clients often also shame these very coping mechanisms. I.e. My drinking disgusts me or I feel so stupid when my partner asks me how I’m feeling and I shut down.
What Makes Attachment-Focused Trauma Therapy Unique?
Some therapy zeroes in on changing these coping mechanisms without fully understanding the purpose of why these coping mechanisms are in place. This kinda feels like when a loved one (even if well-intentioned) tells us to “Just stop worrying!” or “Change your attitude!” While behavior change is often a part of healing, that behavior change does not stick and often does not make sense if the emotions underneath these coping mechanisms are not heard.
A key approach to undoing that inner unkind voice and beginning to sit with uncomfortable emotions is finding the unfulfilled need within our coping mechanisms. At CZTG, our Denver trauma therapists use the word “protection” to describe any behavior that provides relief from discomfort. Let’s use an example with someone who uses an eating disorder as a protection to explore what we mean by “finding the unfulfilled need”.
Session Example: Trauma Therapy in Denver
***All content within this example client is fictitious.
Our example client is named Casey, and she is a 24-year-old bisexual, cisgender white woman. She grew up in a household with no other siblings, and her father was an engineer and her mother was a former department store model who became a stay-at-home mother. Casey’s mother and father never demonstrated joy or affection towards one another or Casey openly, and whenever Casey did express sadness or distress, Casey’s father labeled it as “a woman problem” and her mother told her to “distract herself” with exercise. At age fourteen, Casey became involved in competitive track and her mother expressed pride and interest within Casey visibly for the first time, particularly how “lean” and “fit” Casey’s body became around this period. Casey began to exhibit symptoms of anorexia around age sixteen and seeks therapy today for her eating disorder as well as confusion about how to “just shut off my dramatic” emotions.
The first point this article reveals is that pain and shame often exist within the same breath. Notice how Casey characterizes her emotions- “dramatic”. This illuminates to a therapist that in Casey’s world, the normal and healthy experience of emotional expression is perceived as theatrical, unnecessary, or frivolous. Second, we learn that Casey likely uses two protections to manage emotions: “shut down” and her eating disorder.
What work with Casey would look like with a Denver trauma therapist at CZTG:
Identify what it felt like to live in a household where emotions were not present, and love was not shown
Allow these emotions to be named and felt without shame (i.e. seen as a “woman problem”)
Understanding and validating how Casey has used shutting down and her eating disorder to cope with lack of emotional modeling and support
Discovering Casey’s emotional needs that are currently met through her eating disorder and shutting down
Co-creating new ways of fulfilling these needs that do not cause bodily or emotional harm
What are some examples of emotional needs (sometimes called attachment needs) that all of us human beings have?
The desire for… the want for… the need to be:
Physically safe
Validated
Accepted
Loved
Belonging
Comfort
Not abandoned
Good enough as I am
To be heard
To be seen
Valued
Considered by others
Casey’s therapist would help peel away the shame for feeling sad and angry about growing up without emotional outlets and using her eating disorder to feel relief. With time and compassion, Casey and her therapist would discover what needs Casey’s eating disorder serves (for Casey, perhaps the knowledge she is good enough as she is) and develop ways together that allow Casey to recognize her worth without the protection of her eating disorder.
Eager to learn more about all things trauma and attachment? Explore some of my other blogs:
Explore Attachment Focused Trauma Therapy in Denver, CO.
Map your protections, emotions, and attachment needs within the safety and unconditional acceptance of a therapeutic relationship at CZTG today. Follow these three steps to get started:
1. Schedule a free 20-minute consult call to see if Denver therapy at CZTG is right for you.
2. Connect with the Denver trauma therapist of your choice via a phone consult.
3. Begin your path towards healing!
Meet The Writer: Jordan Kurtz, Trauma Therapist in Denver, CO.
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a Denver EMDR therapist, couples counselor, and staff writer at CZTG. Jordan focuses on therapy for trauma, grief, adolescence, and relationships. Her approach is authentic, warm, and affirming, which she interweaves throughout her use of advanced evidence-based modalities, including EMDR, Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), and somatic therapy. She provides EMDR and general trauma therapy in Denver and virtually throughout the state of Colorado. If you’d like to work with Jordan, feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation call.