Communication Tools for Individuals and Couples: XYZ Statements
By Jordan Kurtz, Trauma therapist and couples therapist in denver, co
Have you ever wondered why one negative interaction- whether it’s a snippy barista or an unexpected argument with a friend- has the power to overshadow a wealth of other positives that have occurred throughout our day?
While our ability to internalize and interpret communications is certainly within our control, research also tells us we are evolutionarily and relationally hardwired to attune to the bad.
Example 1: The Negativity Bias
As mentioned in an earlier blog post, the negativity bias is the human tendency to attend to, synthesize, and utilize negative stimuli in our world more than positive stimuli. Researchers postulate it adaptively served our ancestors by encouraging awareness and quick response to immediate environmental threats. The problem today? Our modern world is free of many of the concerns that once preoccupied our ancestors, yet our minds typically still favor a negative oriented response system.
Read more about the negativity bias and how to minimize it here.
Example 2: The Interaction Scale
Prolific couples researcher and therapist Dr. John Gottman illuminated a stable and healthy romantic relationship requires a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (i.e. for every 1 negative interaction, there should be at least 5 positive interactions). Gottman’s research complements the negativity bias by recognizing that especially within romantic relationships, negative experiences leave a stronger emotional impact than positive experiences and therefore require an increased percent of positive communications to deviate attention away from the negative.
How to Communicate Effectively with X Y Z Statements - A Communication Tool from a Denver Therapist
The Set Up:
X= emotion/impact
Y= specific situation/circumstances
Z= specific behavior
I feel _______ (X) when ______ (Y) because ______ (Z)
OR
When ____ (Z) _____ (Y) I felt ______ (Z).
Examples of helpful xyz statements:
I felt grateful (X) today (Y) when you made dinner (Z).
When you yelled at me (Z) last night (Y), I felt betrayed (X).
Why this set up is constructive:
It illuminates specifics
It does not accuse or make assumptions
It does not name call
Examples of poor XYZ Statements:
When you do not vacuum, I feel like you’re just a lazy slob.
You never care when I share my emotions. You’re so selfish.
When I gave you that birthday gift, I already knew you wouldn’t like it.
Example 1 Error: Does not specify when the behavior occurs and insults some one’s character versus drawing attention to a bothersome behavior.
Example 2 Error: Over generalizing a behavior puts your partner on the defensive and insinuates that change is not possible/you do not recognize any proactive behaviors of theirs.
Example 3 Error: We do not have the power of mind-reading. Assuming our partner’s motives discredits their ability to share their emotions and fuels our own anger.
General Tips for Healthy Communication:
Avoid absolutes (always, never, every time)
Minimize accusation (lead with “I” versus “You”)
Consider context (where and when is this conversation best held?)
Evaluate body language (defensive postures, no eye contact, or sighing are some examples of body cues that negate what you are trying to communicate and what your conversation partner is willing to receive)
Tone check (how you say something is as important as what you say: avoid raised tones to signal to your nervous system and your partner’s system no danger is present)
Invite touch- if appropriate (decrease isolation and fear by offering physical connection to your partner such as holding their hand or a hand on their leg. This not only communicates engagement but also co-regulates nervous systems).
Therapy in Denver - Improve Your Communication and Relationships
Our team of relationship therapists at CZ Therapy Group love to support individuals and couples improve their communication, ultimately healing their connection with themselves and others. Interested in exploring what it would be like to work with us? Reach out for a free consult with a Denver Therapist of your choice.
About the Writer - Denver Couples Therapist
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.
If you’d like to connect with Jordan to learn more about what it would be like to work together, feel free to reach out for a free consultation.