A Breakup that Does Not Have to Be Painful - Or Maybe Happen At All
By Jordan Kurtz, Trauma and Relationship Therapist
Earlier this fall, I wrote a blog that explored knowing when to end therapy. Recently during an initial session with a client, they stopped me in my tracks by asking, “If at some point this doesn’t feel like a good fit anymore, how would you like me to cut things off?”
The rhythm that most therapists adopt during the first session while reviewing confidentiality limitations, practice policies, and general assessment questions was halted, and not for a bad reason. I realized that throughout the course of all of my therapy sessions this question had never been asked nor considered on my end, and as it continued to linger I reasoned it demanded a larger podium than within my individual therapy office.
So, with thanks to my lovely client who will remain unnamed, I want to centralize the topic of breaking up with your therapist- and why in some cases, it may not prove necessary.
First and foremost - therapy is always a voluntary process.
While a therapist may guide session cadence, nudge and challenge when appropriate, suggest interventions, or implement safety measures when emergencies arise, therapy otherwise remains a process governed by you. It is always your right to begin and end when you choose for any reason.
Reasons why therapist-client breakups may occur:
Timing: the bane of existence, and a frequent conflict between clients and therapists if schedules cannot align.
Finances: change in circumstances may dictate the frequency with which one can attend therapy, or attend therapy at all.
Preferences Unique to Life Circumstances: For those with specific types of trauma or presenting concerns, the identity of your therapist may pose challenges that without attunement from the therapist, can pose obstacles (i.e. My mother just passed away, and my therapist looks and acts exactly like my mother)
Philosophical and Values Differences: Therapists and clients with starkly different religious, political or moral ideals can often work together successfully. However, if it feels mandatory for you to hold shared values with your therapist or you sense your therapist is imposing their own values onto you, disconnect can arise.
Lack of safety: If for any reason your therapist fosters an emotionally, verbally, or physically unsafe environment, it is not a proper fit.
Lack of connection: the talking point I want to underscore and become curious about most. Lack of “connection” encompasses a variety of matters, including but not limited to: our personalities don’t mesh; they don’t seem to “get me”; my therapist talks too much; my therapist doesn’t talk enough; we aren’t accomplishing my goals; we have accomplished my goals- now what?
To Break Up or Not To Break Up
If you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios above now or at a future point, acknowledge that most alone do not necessitate termination (except lack of safety). Therapy, like all relationships, requires maintenance, and roadblocks are not indicative that the vehicle cannot go forward.
Suggested Courses of Action
Talk to your therapist!
The more open you are about obstacles to the experience- whether they are logistical or emotional- the greater opportunity for repair.
On the logistical front:
Many therapists are willing to participate in payment plans or biweekly appointments if finances are a concern, and while appointment time changes cannot be guaranteed, it is always worth the ask as most counselors’ case loads are always in some degree of fluctuation.
On the connection front:
While it may seem awkward to broach a conversation with your therapist about “not clicking”, this discussion can often catalyze a positive trajectory that could not have occurred without communication. When we express a lack of connection with someone in the outside world (if we ever do at all), the relationship typically terminates without behavior change. Therapy offers a unique space where discontent can be voiced, and your therapist navigates desired change with you. While having this conversation isn’t a guaranteed panacea, it can facilitate changes in conversation topics, depth, counselor engagement, and comfortability that alter therapy for the better.
About the Writer
Jordan Kurtz (she/her) is a trauma and relationship therapist at CZTG who focuses on therapy for grief, trauma, adolescence, and couples. Jordan is authentic, warm, and affirming of her clients’ identities and experiences.
Interested in exploring what it would be like to start therapy and resonate with Jordan’s approach? Reach out for a free consult with Jordan to learn more about her work as a trauma therapist and relationship counselor in Denver, Colorado.