Shame vs. Guilt: Unpacking Inhibitory Emotions and How They Keep Us Stuck

By: Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC and Chadley Zobolas, MSW, LCSW, MFTC

“He is guilty”. “She should be ashamed of herself”. “They feel guilt for what they have done”. 

How often do we hear the words shame and guilt used interchangeably? Though on the surface they may appear synonymous, let’s dive into how they differ and why that difference is important.

How they are alike:

Shame and guilt are common emotional responses to situations where we perceive we have failed, wronged another, betrayed our values or the values of a group we belong to, or broken a rule or promise. That discomfort prompts a host of behavioral responses, some adaptive and others more harmful. Examples include apologizing, avoiding a person or place, self-criticism, or doubling down on our opinion or initial action. 

How they differ:

Shame and guilt diverge due to the messages they cause us to internalize. Guilt can offer opportunities for growth as it asks us to reflect on our choices, consider how we can act better in accordance with our values in the future, and forgive ourselves and others. Shame leaves no room for compassion, and deduces the nuances of our thinking and feelings to black and white extremes: I am not worthy of connection, I am flawed, I do not deserve to belong. Whereas guilt leaves room for permission, shame does not. 

What it boils down to:

Guilt: I have done something wrong (behavior-oriented)

Shame: I am wrong (self-oriented)

Can shame and guilt exist at the same time?

Yes! For example, consider cancelling plans on a friend last minute and your friend responds saying that they understand but are disappointed. You may feel guilt related to your decision to cancel on your friend (behavior-oriented). Upon reflection, you may also feel shame about how good of a friend you are, especially if honoring commitments is a top priority (self-oriented). 

Where Can Shame Impact our Lives?

Self-esteem:

Shame tells us we are inherently or permanently flawed, unfixable, not worthy. Experiencing this on a daily basis negatively colors our self-worth and confidence.

Relationships:

In an effort to escape shame, people may isolate themselves or lash out at others to displace fear, sadness or anger. These behaviors can cause disconnect and tension within families, friendships, and intimate relationships. 

Self-efficacy:

While trapped by shame, people feel they do not have the capacity to change and may adopt a sense of helplessness. This can lead to overdependence on others or the belief “because my actions cannot solve anything, I have no control over my life”.

Problem-solving:

Shame promotes rumination on what has already happened or what should be. Hyper fixation or blaming others are often patterns people fall into when suffering from chronic shame. 

Shame, Guilt, and The Change Triangle

Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) conceptualizes shame and guilt as inhibitory emotions, or emotions we experience as a result of heavy and unprocessed core emotions. When we’re feeling shame or guilt, it’s important to get curious about what emotions might be happening under the surface (or at the bottom of the triangle). Maybe you’re feeling fearful of losing the people closest to you. That fear may show up as shame that says you’re not being a good friend or you’re being ‘too needy’.

Instead of sitting in the shame and spiraling, imagine what it would be like to actually be able to process the roots of your fear and move through the emotion.

Let’s get unstuck together.

Our Denver-based therapists are passionate about undoing the aloneness that often comes with shame and guilt and helping you process through the core emotions and experiences at the root. Read more about how we support clients with anxiety, another inhibitory emotion alongside shame and guilt.