Parentification

By Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Associate Therapist

Some of us can recall being our own caretakers for as long as we can remember. Perhaps it meant preparing our own food, looking out for our siblings, attending to our parents’ emotions more than our own, managing family finances, or some other form of responsibility that ordinarily does not belong to a child.

These experiences are encompassed by the phenomena of parentification, which means circumstances caused a young person to take on the role, tasks, and stressors of being an adult.

Survival and wellbeing are contingent on human connectedness throughout our whole lives, especially in childhood. We turn to our caregivers then to fulfill our immediate needs and teach us what emotions, requests, and ways of being are acceptable. When these early learning experiences are denied for us because we are asked to take on the role of the parent, we lose connectedness with identifying our own needs and self-worth.

“Was it really so bad though? Other people have it worse.”

Experiencing parentification can have some advantageous effects, like the development of strong caregiving, problem solving, and time management skills. However, it can distort our ability to set healthy boundaries, distinguish ourselves from others within relationships, and identify with roles other than the Caregiver- including the much-needed role of the Fun-Haver. Licensed clinical social worker Hilary Jacobs Hendel acknowledges the impact parentification as a “small t trauma”, which refers to a series of repeated, seemingly inconsequential events that when cumulated over time can cause detrimental ripple effects in one’s present life.

Signs parentification may have been part of your life:

·      Structure feels better than play or improvisation

·      Self-care or attending to my own needs is “selfish”

·      I am only good when I provide for others

·      I grew up feeling responsible for everything

·      My caregivers often put me in the middle

·      My childhood friends were not asked to do the same “chores” or tasks I was

·      I believe relying on myself is better than trusting others

·      I don’t really remember “being a kid”

·      My caregivers’ emotions were more important than my own

·      I based my behavior off my caregiver’s mood or wants

·      I consider myself the “caretaker” in many of my adult relationships today

·      I have a better ability than most to sacrifice and connect with others

·      I feel like my efforts were not often appreciated but expected

How therapy can help with the impacts of parentification

Parentification teaches us to attune to others at the expense of attending to ourselves. Therapy centers your needs, wants, fears, and successes with no contingencies. Our therapists will help you elevate your own voice and assert boundaries in your outside relationships, clarify your own dreams, provide the attention your inner child deserves, and disentangle self-worth from the need to serve others.

Some Ways We Will Support Your Inner Child Together

·      Awareness: we will help define who your inner child is, what their needs were, and why those needs were important then and continue to be important now.

·      Creating structure: organizing our lives according to others’ wants or neglect does not leave many opportunities to define our own priorities. We will collaborate to determine what day to day tasks are important to you as well as long term goals.

·      Develop safe connectedness: those we served like parents drain us and encroach on healthy boundaries. Your relationship with your therapist can help model what a caring and appropriate relationship looks like and encourage you to seek others with similar respect for boundaries and your core values.

·      Positive reinforcement: It can be uncomfortable or foreign to feel self-compassion after years of hearing from others, “You’re only good if you do ____”. Our therapists will celebrate actions taken on your own behalf and emphasize unconditional acceptance as an intrinsic right, not something to be earned.

You shouldn’t have to go through this alone anymore.

Parentified children are notorious for holding everything by themselves. Our team of Denver therapists seek to change that. You deserve support, and part of unlearning the patterns that were put onto you is doing something different today. Often times, trauma therapy is that something. Reach out if you’d like to learn more about our trauma counseling services or connect with a therapist on our team!