Considering Whether to ‘Let People In’ on Your Queer Identity

By Lindsey Gallop (she/her), MA, LPCC, Trauma Therapist

The process of ‘coming out’ is one that is entirely unique and often holds both positive, healing experiences right alongside painful and traumatic ones. Karamo Brown, licensed social worker and one of the fab five on Queer Eye, reframes language of coming out as “letting someone in”. He says, "For me, 'coming out' gives the power to the other person to accept or deny you," he explained. "When you're 'inviting them in,' you have the power." I love this reframe. It resists the notion of the “closet” as the framing for how we imagine queer identity.

Through this, Karamo has shifted the narrative around ‘coming out’ to embody a process that prioritizes your needs, self care, and self empowerment - causes that are just as relevant as ever. 

As a queer person myself, I know it can be a complicated choice to know when you want to tell others about your identities. In my unique process, I was slow to let people in on my sexuality and was intentional about who I shared this part of me with. As I’ve reflected on my process, I’ve become inspired to explore the benefits and risks of ‘letting people in’ through a therapeutic lens. 

Benefits of ‘Letting People In’

Studies show that “coming out” can be  associated with: higher self-esteem, decreased anxiety, increased life and work satisfaction, and increased resilience. It can be the most intentional space to share, connect with others, and find shared community. Letting people in can also be a way to increase your experiences of love and affirmation with others. It can reduce feelings of isolation and aloneness experienced in walking through life as a queer person.

The process of letting someone know the more vulnerable parts of you in a safe, supported way reframes the idea queer people are often forced to internalize: that their identities are valid reasons for social and societal rejection. The more we can experience the opposite response in others, the more we’re able to resonate with the narrative that if someone does not accept who I am, that’s on them, and not my fault. It’s their loss. 

Risks of ‘Letting People In’

Simultaneously, we know that coming out can increase exposure to rejection with unsafe people and systems, leading to experiences of discrimination, prejudice, and identity based trauma. It’s important to note that these impacts are especially felt by QTPOC (queer and trans people of color).

Let’s unpack some points to get curious about when deciding who to let in. Your safety and wellbeing is of the utmost importance, so here are some things to keep in mind and at the top of your priority list. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list, and everyone has their own unique needs and safety concerns that are also valid and important.

When it might not be safe to ‘let someone in’:

• If there is evidence that the person holds strong anti-gay attitudes and beliefs

• There are any threats of violence or physical/emotional harm

• If you are dependent on a person financially, for housing, or for school support and this support may be threatened by sharing your identities with them

• If you would be devastated if the person reacted poorly

Letting people in doesn’t make your identities any more or less valid.

While “coming out” can be falsely portrayed as an essential experience and can feel affirming, you and your identity are valid whether or not you share. Your emotional and physical safety is the number one priority and it’s more than okay to keep parts of you protected. Not sharing these parts of you with others does not equate to holding shame around who you are. Rather, it is often a necessary way to protect yourself.

There should never be any pressure to let people in on who you are unless they deserve to join you in that space. 

On another, more personal note: Karamo’s framing of ‘letting others in’ has truly resonated with me during my own experience with my identity. Initially, I felt that in order to prove my “Bi ness” or Bi identity, I need to share and do so in a certain way. Although I experienced an initial element of pressure around having this big coming out moment, I’m so grateful that my experience as a whole does not reflect that. I learned that letting others into who you are is not just a single event or moment, but a process that can happen gradually and not just all at once. Looking back, it’s been an experience of connection and healing, as it’s allowed me to focus on me - my needs, my support people, and highlighting who I want to be in this world. Everyone’s experience and timeline looks differently, but we all deserve our own version of this.

Seeking LGBTQ Affirming Therapy in Denver?

Our team queer therapists and allies at CZ Therapy Group are passionate about providing safe, affirming, and trauma-focused therapy for queer people. Whether you’d like to explore your own process of letting people in or are seeking affirming therapy for something wholly unrelated to your queer identity, we’d love to be a support! Reach out to our LGBTQ therapists to schedule a free consult and see if we feel like a good fit.

Get To Know The Writer

Lindsey Gallop (she/her) is a trauma therapist who specializes in working with adults and teens who have experienced both long-term and single incident traumas, including childhood abuse/neglect, medical trauma, and sexual trauma. Lindsey sits with her clients in a way that embraces the messiness of the human experience and creates a safe enough container to be able to access and process through even the deepest held pain and trauma. 

Reach out to Lindsey for a free consult if you’re curious about working with her!