Boundaries 101
by Jordan Kurtz, MA, LPCC, Associate Therapist
Boundaries- a term we are likely familiar with, but what does it mean to create them, maintain them, and understand how our own boundaries differ from others? This blog seeks to explicate different types of boundaries, their impact, and how to adjust the boundary types we gravitate towards if needed.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are limits and rules we establish for ourselves within relationships. They influence the degree of vulnerability we offer to given people in different circumstances, and are shaped by our experiences as well as environmental contexts like time, place and event.
Boundary type breakdown
Boundaries are typically described as rigid, porous, or healthy. If we consider boundaries as a continuum between emotional closed-ness and openness, rigid boundaries fall on the closed side, healthy boundaries lay in the middle, and porous boundaries lean towards open.
What boundary type do I have? Here are traits characteristic of each.
Rigid Boundary Setters:
· Tend to avoid intimacy and close relationships
· Find it difficult/are unwilling to ask for help
· Have few close relationships
· Are very protective of personal information
· Often hold others at a distance to avoid rejection
· May be perceived as detached, especially by romantic partners
Porous Boundary Setters:
· Often described as “people pleasers”
· Have difficulty saying “no”
· Overshare personal information
· Have a tendency to become overinvolved in others’ personal lives
· Are dependent on the opinions of others
· Tolerate abuse or disrespect to avoid rejection
Healthy Boundary Setters:
· Feel comfortable asserting “no” and accepting when others say “no” to them
· Do not compromise values or opinions to please others
· Balance vulnerability with others and protect personal information
· Are aware of needs, wants and beliefs and can communicate them effectively to others
What influences boundary setting?
Relationship type
We feel differently and interact differently with others depending on what sort of relationship we hold with them. For example, one might have healthy boundaries with coworkers, porous boundaries with a romantic partner, and a mix of types within their family.
Setting
The physical environment also influences what boundaries we set. Norms at a work luncheon are probably different than the social climate when you are with your friends at the bar.
Culture
Though often more silent than other factors, the prevailing culture you are immersed in likely dictates appropriateness of boundaries as well. For instance, while public emotional expression may be frowned upon in some cultures, in others it is encouraged.
Attachment style
Our childhood relationships with caregivers influence our comfortability with closeness in later relationships. Those who experienced distant, abusive, noncommittal, or absent caregivers often maintain extremes of rigid or porous boundaries as protection from repeated hurt. If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, see our previous blog!
We know what boundaries look like. How can they be manifested?
Physical boundaries: Associated with personal space and physical touch.
Healthy behaviors: Awareness of personal comfort and comfort of others regarding physical contact, such as hugs, shaking hands, and kissing.
Unhealthy behaviors: Touching someone where they do not want to be touched or when they do not want to be touched; invading someone’s private spaces (i.e. searching through someone’s phone or bedroom)
Intellectual boundaries: Associated with thoughts and ideas.
Healthy behaviors: Consideration of what topics are appropriate to discuss in a given context and respect for others’ ideas.
Unhealthy behaviors: Dismissing or belittling another’s beliefs; initiating conversation about topics not conducive to certain circumstances or to others’ emotional or physical safety (i.e. discussing someone’s sexuality in the company of family who has not been told about that person’s identity)
Emotional boundaries: Associated with feelings.
Healthy behaviors: Sharing amounts of personal information that reflect the closeness of the relationship and being appropriately receptive to others’ shared feelings.
Unhealthy behaviors: Criticizing, belittling or invalidating others’ feelings; dismissing your own emotions to serve others.
Sexual boundaries: Associated with emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexual intimacy.
Healthy behaviors: Mutual communication about and respect for desires and limitations of sexual partners.
Unhealthy behaviors: Unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, or withholding of sex for punishment or emotional manipulation.
Material boundaries: Associated with money and possessions.
Healthy behaviors: Establishing clear limits on what you are willing to share, when, and with whom.
Unhealthy behaviors: Stealing or damaging another’s possessions, pressuring for lending or possession of another’s goods, or providing another unlimited access to goods for fear of punishment or rejection.
Time boundaries: Associated with how time is prioritized and spent.
Healthy behaviors: Balancing time between valued aspects of life and honoring others’ chosen division of time.
Unhealthy behaviors: Demanding an inappropriate or unreasonable amount of someone’s time, criticizing another for how their time is spent, or withholding time spent together as punishment.
Tips for Setting Healthier Boundaries
I. Reflect upon your boundaries before entering a situation. That way if something arises that you are uncomfortable with, you will know what course of action feels safest.
II. Remember that the ability to say “no” is a human right. Here are examples of phrases that assert “no” in different ways:
o “I am not comfortable with this”
o “Please do not do that”
o “Not at this time”
o “This does not work for me”
o “I can’t do that for you”
o “I’m drawing the line at ___”
Need support with boundaries?
Our team of therapists in Denver, CO specialize in relationship therapy for both individuals and couples. Therapy can support you in your relationship with yourself and with others.
If you’re interested in learning more, feel free to reach out to us for a free consultation with a therapist on our team!